


>'^^-%'.'^ik}. 





Class lEli^il5_45 
Book.J-5SL_2lB_7 



CCSPXRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



v< 



BOOKS BY JESSE LYNCH WILLIAMS 

PoBLiBHED BY CHARliES SCRIBNER'S SONS 

Princeton Stories (1895). 12mo . . net 91.00 

The Adventures of a Freshman (1899). Il- 
lustrated by Fletcher Ransom. 12iuo net $1.25 

The Stolen Story, and Other Newspaper 
Stories (1899). lUustrated by A. I. Keller. 
12mo net $1.25 

New Yorl< SItetches (1902). With many 
drawings by Jules Guerin, Henry 
McCarter, Ernest Peixotto, and others. 
Small quarto net $2.00 

The Day-Dreamer (1906). (Being a novel- 
ization of the four-act comedy, " The 
Stolen Story.") 12mo net $1.25 

The Qirl and the Game, and Other College 
Stories (1908). Illustrated by W. T. 
Smedley, Henry Hutt, and others. 12mo 

net $1.35 

The Married Life of the Frederic Carrolls 
(1910). Illustrated by F. R. Gruger and 
W. Sherman Potts. 12mo . ... net $1.3S 

Why Marry? (1918). New edition of "And 
So They Were Married," illustrated with 
pictures from the play net $1.50 

Remating Time (1916). Illustrated by 

Henry Raleigh. 12mo net .50 



WHY MARRY? 



WHY MARRY? 



(Originally published under the title 
"And So They Were Married ") 



BY 

JESSE LYNCH WILLIAMS 




ILLUSTRATED 



NEW YORK 

CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS 

1918 






Copyright, 1914, 1918, by 
CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS 

Published October, 1914 
New and revised edition published April, 19 iS 



IAII rights strictly reserved — In- 
cluding amateur acting rights.) 



APR 30 ISIS 




TO 

HARRIET AND JAMES LEES LAIDLAW 




Frotn a photO!;raph iv ll'hitc- SiuJto. 

Helen: You're about the most conceited man I ever knew. 
Ernest: How can I help it, when you admire me so? [P(ig<' 94- 



WHY MARRY? 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

New York: Astor Theatre: Produced by Selwyn & Company, 
Dec. 2$, 1917, under the direction of Roi Cooper Megrue. 

The scene is a week-end at a country house not far away; the time, 
Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning, and Sunday evening. 

THE PEOPLE AT THE HOUSE 
(As You Meet Them) 

JEAN, the host's younger sister, who has been brought up to 

be married and nothing else LOTUS ROBB 

REX, an unmarried neighbor, who has not been brought up to 

be anything but rich HAROLD WEST 

LUCY, the hostess, who is trying her best to be "just an old- 
fashioned wife" in a new-fashioned home, 

BEATRICE BECKLEY 

UNCLE EVERETT, a Judge, who belongs to the older gen- 
eration and yet understands the new — and^believesjin 
divorce NAT C. GOODWIN 

COUSIN THEODORE, a clergyman and yet a human be- 
ing, who believes in everything — except divorce, 

ERNEST LAWFORD 

JOHN, who owns the house and almost every one in it — and 

does not believe in divorce EDMUND BREESE 

HELEN, the host's other sister, whom every one wants to 
marry, but who doesn't want to marry any one, 

ESTELLE WINWOOD 

ERNEST, a scientist, who believes in neither divorce nor 

marriage but makes a great discovery . . . SHELLEY HULL 

(By arrangement with George C. Tyler) 

THE BUTLER RICHARD PITMAN 

■TOE FQQTMAN. WALTER GOODSON 



ADVANCE NOTICE 
BY THE AUTHOR 

One afternoon shortly before the New York 
"opening" of this comedy a most estimable lady 
sat down to make me a cup of tea. 

**Now, do tell me, what is your play about ?'* 
she inquired with commendable enthusiasm. For, 
being a true woman, she had early achieved the 
becoming habit of letting members of the su- 
perior sex talk about themselves. 

"*Why Marry.?'" said I, ''tells the truth 
about marriage." 

"Oh, why," she expostulated, "why write un- 
pleasant plays ? " 

"But it is not 'unpleasant.' " 

"Then it isn't true !" she exclaimed. "That is, 
I mean — I mean — did you say cream or lemon ?'* 

And in the pause which accompanied the 
pouring of the cream I detected the look of one 
realizing too late that it is always better to think 
before speaking. 

This little incident, it seemed to me, epito- 
mizes charmingly the attitude of "our nicest 
people" toward our fundamental institution. 
The truth about marriage must be unpleasant. 

ix 



Advance Notice 

Therefore, tell us something we know isn't true. 
It will be so much nicer for our young people. 

It is to be feared, however, that young people 
who go to see " Why Marry ? " in the hope of be- 
ing shocked do not get their money's worth. I 
have heard of but two persons who have been 
scandalized by this play, and they were both old 
people. One was a woman in the country who 
had not seen it, but had read the title, and so 
wrote several indignant letters about it. The 
other was an elderly bachelor of the type which 
finds useful occupation in decorating club win- 
dows like geraniums. He took his niece to see it, 
and, deciding at the end of Act II that the play 
was going to be unpleasant in Act III, took her 
home at once. The next afternoon she appeared 
at the matinee with a whole bevy of her own 
generation and saw the rest of the play. I asked 
her later if it had shocked any of them. 

*'0h, no," she replied, "we are too young to be 
shocked." 

That little incident also struck me as socially 
significant. There never were two generations 
inhabiting the same globe simultaneously with 
such widely separated points of view. 

For several years after this play was first pub- 
lished no theatrical manager on Broadway would 



Advance Notice 

produce it. I don't blame them, I want to 
thank them for it. I doubt if this sort of thing 
could have appealed to many theatre-goers then, 
especially as my young lovers are trying to 
be good, not bad. "Self-expression" and "the 
right to happiness " do not enter into their plans. 
The causes of their courageous and, of course, 
mistaken decision are unselfish and social mo- 
tives, however futile and antisocial the results 
would have been had not their desperate de- 
termination been thwarted. . . . When this 
play was first published most people were not 
thinking along these lines. Such ideas were con- 
sidered radical then. They will soon be old- 
fashioned — even on the stage. 

Kind and discriminating as the critics have 
been in regard to this comedy (a discriminating 
critic being, of course, one who praises your 
play), few of them have seen the point which 
I thought I was making emphatically clear, 
namely, that we can't cure social defects by in- 
dividual treatment. Not only the lovers, but all 
the characters in this play are trying to do right 
according to their lights. There is no villain in 
this piece. At least the villain remains "oflF 
stage." Perhaps that is why so few see him. You 
are the villain, you and I and the rest of society. 
We are responsible for the rules and regulations 

xi 



Advance Notice 

of the marriage game. Instead of having fun 
with human nature, I tried to go higher up and 
have fun with human institutions. 

I say "tried," because apparently I did not 
succeed. The joke is on me. Still, I can get some 
amusement out of it : for a great many people 
seem to like this play who would be indignant if 
they knew what they were really applauding. 
They think they are merely enjoying " satire 
on human nature." Now, it is a curious fact 
that you can always curse human nature with 
impunity; can malign it, revile it, boot it up and 
down the decalogue, and you will be warmly 
praised. "How true to life!" you are told. "I 
know some one just like that." (It is always 
some one else, of course.) But dare lay hands on 
the Existing Order — and you'll find you've laid 
your hands on a hornet's nest. 

You see, most people do not want anything 
changed — except possibly the Law of Change. 
They do not object to finding fault with mankind 
because "you can't change human nature," as 
they are fond of telling you with an interesting 
air of originality. But laws, customs, and ideals 
can be changed, can be improved. Therefore 
they cry: "Hands off! How dare you!" Man 
made human institutions, therefore we reverence 
them. Whereas human nature was merely made 
xii 



Advance Notice 

by God. So we don't think so much of it. We are 
prejudiced, hke all creators, in favor of our own 
creations. After all, there is excellent precedent 
for such complacency. Even God, we are in- 
formed, pronounced his work "all very good" 
and rested on the seventh day. 

Pretty nearly everything in the play as acted 
is in the book as published; but by no means all 
that is in the book could possibly be enacted on 
the stage in two hours and a half. One scene, 
a breakfast scene between John and his wife, 
has been amplified for acting, but all the other 
scenes as printed here have been shortened for 
stage purposes and one or two cut out entirely. 

The "set" was changed to represent the log- 
gia, instead of the terrace, of John's "little 
farm." Outdoor scenes are not supposed to be 
good for comedy. Walls, or a suggestion of them, 
produce a better psychological effect for the 
purpose, besides making it possible to speak in 
quieter, more intimate tones than when the 
voice spills out into the wings and up into the 
paint loft. 

Near the end of the play a number of relatives, 
rich and poor, are supposed to arrive for dinner 
and for influencing by their presence the re- 
calcitrant couple. That is the way it is printed 
xiii 



Adva-nce Notice 

and that is how it was acted during the first 
few weeks of the Chicago run. But though the 
family may have its place in the book, it proved 
to be an awful nuisance on the stage. No matter 
how well these minor parts might be acted (or 
dressed), their sudden irruption during the last 
and most important moments of the perform- 
ance distracted the audience's attention from 
the principal characters and the main issue. 
It was not clear who was who. Programmes 
fluttered; perplexity was observed. ... So we 
decided that the family must be destroyed. It is 
always a perplexing problem to devise a substi- 
tute for the family. 

Jesse Lynch Williams. 



XIV 



ILLUSTRATIONS 

Helen: You're about the most conceited man I 

ever knew. 
Ernest: How can I help it, when you admire me 

so? Frontispiece 

FACING PAGE 

All: Then why, why do you want a divorce ? 

Judge: Because, damn it, I don't like her .... 30 

Judge : You poor little pessimists ! Human nature 
to-day is better than it ever was, but our most 
important institution is worse — the most sacred 
relationship in life has become a jest in the 
market-place 204 

Judge: We thought we believed in trial marriage. 
Nothing of the sort — trial separation ! What 
marriage put asunder divorce has joined to- 
gether 230 



Act I 



"And So They Were Married" 



Act I 

Up from the fragrant garden comes a girl, run- 
ning. She takes the broad terrace steps two 
at a stride, laughing., breathless, fleet as a 
fawn, sweet as a rose. She is hotly pursued by 
a boy, handsome, ardent, attractively selfish, 
and just now blindly determined to catch the 
pretty creature before she gains the protecting 
shelter of home. She is determined to let him 
hut not to let him know it. . . . There, she 
might have darted in through the open door, 
hut it is such a cold, formal entrance; she 
pretends to he exhausted, dodges behind a stone 
tea-table, and, turning, faces him, each pant- 
ing and laughing excitedly ; she alluring and 
defiant, he merry and dominafit. 

She is twenty-five and he is a year or two older, 
hut they are both children; in other words, 
unmarried. 



"And So They Were Married" 



T 



Rex 
HINK I'll let you say that to me ? 



Jean 

• [making a face at him] 
Think I'm afraid of you! 

Rex 

Take it back, I tell you. 

Jean 
I won't. 

Rex 

I'll make you. 

Jean 

[with a dance step] 
Think so, do you ? 

Rex 

I warn you. 

Jean 
Booh-woo ! 

[He makes a feint to the right, then dashes to 
the left and catches her. 

4 



'And So They Were Married" 





Rex 






[triumphantly] 




Now ! . . . 


You would, would 

Jean 

[struggling] 


you ? 


Let me go, 


Rex 




I couldn't 


think of it. 





Jean 

[seizes his hands to free herself — cant] 
You're so strong — it isn't fair. 

Rex 
You're so sweet — it isn't fair. 

[Smiling down at her struggles, rejoicing in 
his strength, her weakness, he gently draws 
her near. 

Jean 

[knows what is coming 
No, Rex. 

Rex 
Yes. 

S 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 

You mustn't. 

Rex 

But I will. 

[He laughs and kisses her lightly on the cheek. 
Therefore she struggles furiously. There- 
fore he does it again. And again. Suddenly 
he enfolds her completely and kisses her 
passionately — cheeks^ mouthy eyes — until 
she gasps in alarm. Laughter has gone from 
them now. 

Jean 
Oh, please ! . . . some one will come. 

Rex 

' [with the intoxication of such moments] 
I don't care who comes — I love you. 

Jean 

No ... let me go. 

Rex 

Not till you kiss me, Jean. [Jean hesitates^ 
brushes his cheek lightly with her lipsy and in 
pretty confusion tries to escape.] Not till you 

6 



"And So They Were Married" 

say you love me, Jean. [Eyes hidden in his 
coaty she bobs her head. He laughs and loves it\ 
Say it ! 

Jean 
I — er — do. 

Rex 

Do what ? . . . Say it ! . . . 

[She cannot. He swings her about, bringing 
her face close to his. 

Jean 

I love you, Rex. Are you sure you love 
me } 

Rex 

Am I sure ! You irresistible little — 

[Begins to kiss her. Masculine triumph. 

Jean 
And want to marry me, Rex } 

Rex 

[stops — startled — had not thought oj that] 
Why — er — of course. What did you suppose ! 

[Drops his eyes, sobered. 
7 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 

[feminine triumph] 
And me "a penniless orphing" ? 

Rex 

[fascinated by the way she says it^ he laughs. 
Theny his honor touched] 
Why, what kind of a man do you take me for! 
[^nd wants her lips again. 

Jean 

[giving herself to him^ head sinks upon his 
shoulder] 

Then, oh, Rex, love me and be nice to me 
and — and take me away from all this ! 

[She covers her face with her hands and sobs. 
He pats her tenderly, with a manly look on 
his face. 

Lucy comes up from the garden. She is 
dressed in white with a garden hat, a garden 
basket filled with flowers in one hand, long 
scissors in the other. She is John's wife, 
the mistress of the house, sister-in-law to 
Jean; conspicuously a '^ sweet'' woman, 
affectedly so, a contrast with Jean's more 
modern, less delicate charm. Jean is frank 
8 



"And So They Were Married" 

and brave, Lucy indirect aitd timid, pretty 
but fading, forty but fighting it. 

Jean 

[laughing] 
It's all right, Lucy — we're engaged ! 

Lucy 
Well, I should hope so ! 

[Shoots a look at Jean, "So?" 

Rex 

[recovering himself] 

I have often tried to thank you and good old 
John for letting me come over here so much, 
but now ! How can I ever thank you ? See-what- 
I-mean ? 

Lucy 

I'll tell you how. Behave yourself after you 
are married to John's Httle sister. 

Jean 

Rex, have you had a fearful past ? How fas- 
cinating ! 

9 



**And So They Were Married" 

Rex 

I'm going to have a glorious future, all right. 

Jean 

Not unless you do as I tell you. Going to obey 
me, Rex ? 

Rex 

You bet I am. 

Jean 

Then begin now. Go ! . . . Get out ! [She 
pushes Rex, laughing and protesting, toward the 
garden.] I want to tell Lucy how nice you are. 
Run along over to the golf club, and by and 
by — if you are a good boy — you can take me 
out in your new car. [Rex kisses the hand on 
his arm and leaves, laughing.] My dear, he has 
five cars ! Thank you so much. 

[Alone, they throw off the mask worn before 
men, 

Lucy 

Now, deary, tell me all about it. How did it 
happen .? 

Jean 
Oh, I simply followed your advice. 

lO 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 
Picked a quarrel with him ? 

Jean 
[laughing] 
Yes. I pretended to believe in woman suf- 
frage ! 

Lucy 
Good ! They hate that. 

Jean 
I told him all men were bullying brutes ! 

Lucy 
They are! And then you ran away ? 





Jean 


Of course. 






Lucy 


And he after 


you^ 




Jean 


Of course. 






Lucy 


And you let him catch you ? 




II 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 
Of cour — well ... he caught me. 

[They both laugh. 

Lucy 
I can guess the rest. 

Jean 
Why, it didn't take five minutes. 

Lucy 
And now it's to last through all eternity. . . . 
Isn't love wonderful ? 

Jean 
Um-hum. Wonderful. 

[They begin to cull out the flowers. 

Lucy 
But you do love him, dear, don't you } 

Jean 

[arranging flowers] 
I did then. I don't now. Why is that, Lucy ? 

Lucy 
Oh, but you will learn to love him. [Jean 
shrugs y drops flowers ^ and turns away.] Now, 

12 



"And So They Were Married" 

now ! no worrying — it brings wrinkles ! [Pat- 
ting Jeans shoulder.] Rex is just the sort to give 
the woman he adores everything in the world. 

Jean 

[wriggling out of Lucy's embrace] 
I am not the woman he adores. 

Lucy 
Why, Jean ! He's engaged to you. 

Jean 

But he's in love with my sister. You know 
that as well as I do. 

Lucy 

[uncomfortahly] 
Oh, well, he was once, but not now. Men 
admire these independent women, but they 
don't marry them. Nobody wants to marry a 
sexless freak with a scientific degree. 

Jean 

Oh, what's the use, Lucy ? He's still wild 
about Helen, and she still laughs at him. So 
you and John have trotted out the little sister. 
Why not be honest about it. 

13 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

Well, I may be old-fashioned, but I don't 
think it's nice to talk this way when you're just 
engaged. 

Jean 

Here comes your "sexless freak" — not with 
a degree, either. 

Lucy 
[following Jean's gaze] 
With a man! 

Jean 

[smiling 
With my man. 

[Helen, with Rex bending toward her 
eagerly y appears. She is a beautiful woman 
of twenty-nine, tall, strong, glorious — 
plenty of old-fashioned charm, despite her 
new-fashioned ideas. She is dressed in a 
tennis costume and is swinging a racquet. 

Rex 

But they told me you were going to stay 
abroad all winter. 

14 



"And So They Were Married'* 

Helen 
My work, Rex — I had to get back to work. 

Rex 
Work ! . . . You are too good to work. 

Jean 

[amusedy not jealous] 
Is this your high-powered car, Rex ? Have 
you learned to run it yet ? 

Rex 

[startled] 
But . . . well . . . you see, I met Helen 
on the way. See-what-I-mean ? 

Jean 

[la^lgh^ng] 
Oh, we see. 

Rex 

But I hadn't seen her for so long. I thought — 
[Looks from Helen to Jean] . . . wait, I'll get 
the car. [He hurries off. 

Lucy 
[to Jean] 
Why couldn't she have stayed abroad! 
15 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 
Helen, don't talk about your work before 
Lucy — it shocks her. 

Helen 
Oh, very well; make it my 'career'! 

Jean 
[arm around Helen] 
Sssh ! — that's worse. 

Lucy 
Helen, dear, I deem it my duty to tell you 
that you are being talked about. 

Helen 
Lucy, dear, do you always find your true 
happiness in duty .? 

Lucy 
Well, if you think you are going back to that 
horrid place again . . . after what happened 
that night .? John won't hear of it. 

Helen 
If the Baker Institute of Medical Experiment 
is not a respectable place you should make John 
resign as trustee. [She laughs it o_ff. 

i6 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

John is trustee of — oh, nearly everything. 
That makes it all the worse. It isn't as if you 
had to work. 

Helen 

Oh, but John is so rich now, his credit can 
stand it. And you oughtn't to mind ! Why, 
some of our most fashionable families now con- 
tain freaks like me. It's becoming quite smart, 
just as in former days one of the sons would go 
into the Church or the navy. 

Lucy 

Well, of course, I am old-fashioned, but going 
down-town every day with the men, — it seems 
so unwomanly. 

Helen 

But wasn't I womanly for years ^ Instead of 
going down-town and working with highbrows, 
I stayed up-town and played with lowbrows — 
until I was bored to death. 

Lucy 

[sighs] 
Yes, that's what comes of going to college, 
leaving the home, getting these new ideas. All 

17 



"And So They Were Married" 

the same, Helen, the men, really nice men, don't 
like it. 

Helen 

Well, you see, I don't like really nice men, 
so that makes it agreeable all around. 

Lucy 

If it were only art or music or something 
feminine, but that awful laboratory ! How can 
a lady poison poor, innocent little monkeys ? 

Helen 

If I were a lady I'd dine with monkeys. . . . 
Do you know what the word means, Lucy ? In 
Anglo-Saxon times "lady" meant "one who 
gives loaves"; now, one who takes a loaf. 

Lucy 

Very clever, my dear, but some day you'll be 
sorry. No man, Helen, likes a woman to have 
independent views. 

Jean 

Helen can afford to have independent views; 
she has an independent income — she earns it. 

i8 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

Independent income! Her salary wouldn't 
pay for your hats. 

Jean 

All the same, I wish I had gone to college; I 
wish I had learned a profession. 

Lucy 

What have these New Women accomplished .? 
Just one thing: they are destroying chivalry ! 

Helen 

Not entirely, Lucy, not entirely. For instance, 
I am the best assistant Ernest Hamilton has, 
but the worst paid; the others are all men. 
Hurray for chivalry ! 

Lucy 

Well, I'm just an old-fashioned wife. Woman's 
sphere is the home. My husband says so. 

Helen 

But suppose you haven't any husband! What 
can a spinster do in the home ? 

Lucy 

Stay in it — till she gets one ! That's what the 
old-fashioned spinster used to do. 

19 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
The old-fashioned spinster used to spin. 

Lucy 

At any rate, the old-fashioned spinster did 
not stay out of her home all night and get 
herself compromised, talked about, sent abroad! 
Or, if she did, she knew enough to remain abroad 
until the gossip blew over. [Lucy turns to leave. 

Helen 

[mischievously] 
Ah, that wonderful night ! [Lucy turns back, 
amazed.] The night we discovered the Hamilton 
antitoxin, the night that made the Baker Insti- 
tute famous ! And, just think,! had a hand in it, 
Lucy, a hand in the unwomanly work of saving 
children's lives ! But, of course, an old-fashioned 
spinster would have blushed and said: "Excuse 
me. Doctor Hamilton, but we must now let a 
year's work go to waste because you are a man 
and I am a woman, and it's dark outdoors!" 
. . . That's the way to preserve true chivalry. 

Lucy 

You think we can't see through all this .? 
Science — fiddlesticks ! The good-looking young 

20 



"And So They Were Married** 

scientist — that's why you couldn't stay abroad. 
We see it, John sees it, and now every one 
will see it. Then how will you feel .? 

Helen 
Ernest is rather good-looking, isn't he f 

Lucy 

Do you think your brother will let you marry 
a mere scientist! . . . Oh, well. Doctor Hamil- 
ton is in love with his work — fortunately. . . . 
Besides, he's a thoroughbred; he wouldn't even 
look at a girl who throws herself at his head. 

Helen 
So I needn't try any longer .? Too bad. 

Lucy 

[losing her temper and goin^ 
Oh, you New Women are quite superior, 
aren't you ? . . . Thank heavens, little Jean 
didn't elbow her way into men's affairs; she had 
no unwomanly ambitions for a career ! But she 
is engaged to Rex Baker ! 

Helen 
Jean, is this true .? 

21 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

[triumphantly] 
Marriage is woman's only true career. 

Helen 

Jean ! You can't, you won't, you mustn't 
marry Rex ! 

Lucy 
[flouncing out] 
"She who will not when she may," my dear ! 

Jean 

[avoiding Helen's eyes] 
Lucy hears John coming — he'd take her 
head off if she weren't there to meet him. 
[Helen only looks at her.] He bullies and brow- 
beats her worse than ever. I can't stand it 
here much longer. It's getting on my nerves. 

Helen 
Jean ! You care for Rex no more than I do. 

Jean 

[still evasive] 
John's bringing out Uncle Everett and Cousin 
Theodore. My dear, the whole family is up in 
the air about you. 

22 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

Oh, I can take care of myself, but you ! . . . 
Jean, you're not the sort to marry Rex or any 
other man, unless you simply can't live without 
him. 

Jean 

[after a little pause] 
Well . . . how can I live without him — 
without some man ? You can support yourself. 
I can't. 

Helen 

But you wouldn't live on a man you didn't 
really love ! 

Jean 

Why not ? Lucy does; most wives live on men 
they don't really love. To stop doing so and get 
divorced is wrong, you know. 

Helen 
Jean, Jean, poor little Jean ! 

Jean 

Well, I'd rather have domestic unhappiness 
of my own than watch other people's all my life. 

23 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

I don't like to hurt you, dear, but — [Takes 
Jean's face and raises it.] How about that nice 
boy at the Harvard Law School ? 

Jean 

Don't ! [Controls herself, then, in a low voice] 
Bob is still at the Law School, Helen. 

Helen 
Can't you wait, dear ? 

Jean 
He never asked me to, Helen. 

Helen 
He would, if you let him. 

Jean 

It wouldn't be fair. It takes so long to get 
started. Everything costs so much. Why, now- 
adays, men in the professions, unless they have 
private means, can't marry until nearly forty. 
When Bob is forty I'll be forty, Helen. 

Helen 

Ah, but when a girl really cares ! 
24 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 
Helen, do you know ? 

Helen 
Never mind about me — you ! 

Jean 

Oh, we'll get over it, I suppose. . . . People 
do! Some day, perhaps, he'll smile and say: 
"Just think, I once loved that fat old thing!" 
[Suddenly changes to sobbing.] Helen! when Rex 
caught me and kissed me I shut my eyes and 
tried to think it was Bob. 

Helen 
[takes Jean in her arms] 
You can't keep on thinking so, dear. 

Jean 

But that isn't the worst ! When he held me 
fast and I couldn't get away, I began ... to 
forget Bob ... to forget everything . . . 
[Breaks off, overcome with shame.] But not now, 
not now ! It's not the same thing at all. [Buries 
face in Helen's breast and sobs it out.] Oh, I 
feel like the devil, dear. . . . And all this time 

25 



"And So They Were Married" 

he doesn't really want me — he wants you, you ! 
I trapped him into it; I trapped him ! 

Helen 

And I know Rex — he's a good sport; he'll 
stick to it, if you do, dear — only you won't ! 
You've caught him by playing on his worst — 
don't hold him by playing on his best ! 

Jean 

But what shall I do ? I'm nearly twenty-six. 
I've got to escape from home in some way. 

Helen 
But what a way! [Rex returns. 

Rex 

Ready, Jean ? [To Helen.] Lucy and John 
and your Cousin Theodore are in there having a 
fine, old-fashioned family fight with the judge. 

Helen 
With Uncle Everett ? What about ? 

Rex 
They shut up when they saw me. All I heard 
26 



"And So They Were Married" 

was the parson — "Marriage is a social insti- 
tution." Grand old row, though. [J Butler 

and Footman appear^ wheeling a tea-wagon.] 
Looks as if they were coming out here. 

Helen 

Then I am going in. [Detaining Jean.] You 
will follow my advice ? 

Jean 

[apart to Helen] 

Oh, I don't know. Soon or late I must fol- 
low the only profession I have learned, 

[Jean leaves with Rex. Helen watches them, 
sighsy and goes in. The Servants arrange 
the tea-table and go into the house. 

Lucy comes out, followed by her husband, 
John, and the Judge, who is Uncle Ev- 
erett, and Cousin Theodore. 

John, the masterful type of successful Amer- 
ican business man; well set up, close- 
cropped mustache, inclined to baldness; 
keen eye, vibrant voice, quick movements, 
quick decisions, quick temper. 

Uncle Everett is a genial satirist with a 

27 



"And So They Were Married" 

cynical tolerance of the ways of the worldy 
which he understands^ laughs at, and 
rather likes. 

Cousin Theodore, a care-worn rector, who, 
though he buttons his collar behind, likes 
those who dont; a noble soul, self-sacri- 
ficing and sanctified, but he does not ob- 
trude his profession upon others — never 
talks shop unless asked to do so, and prides 
himself upon not being a bigot. 

They are continuing an earnest discussion^ 
with the intimate manner of friendly mem- 
bers of the same family. John, Lucy, and 
Theodore deeply concerned; Uncle Ev- 
erett detached and amused. 

Theodore 

But, Uncle Everett, hasn't Aunt Julia always 
been a good wife to you ? 

Judge 

Quite so, quite so, a good wife, Theodore, a 
good wife. 

Lucy 

And a devoted mother to your children, Uncle 
Everett ? 

28 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 
Devoted, Lucy, devoted. 

John 
She has always obeyed you, Uncle Everett. 

Judge 
Yes, John — a true, old-fashioned woman. 

Theodore 

She has been a great help to me in the parish 
work, Uncle Everett. 

Judge 

An earnest worker in the vineyard, Theo- 
dore — in fact, I might say, a model female. 

All 
Then why, why do you want a divorce ? 

Judge 
Because, damn it, I don't like her ! 

Lucy 
But think of poor Aunt Julia ! 
29 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 
But, damn it, she doesn't like me. 

Theodore 

[wagging head sadly] 

Ah, yes, I suppose there has been fault on 
both sides. 

Judge 

Not at all ! No fault on either side. . . . Both 
patterns of Christian fortitude to the end ! We 
still are. Just listen to this telegram. 

Lucy 

[puzzled] 
From Aunt Julia? 

Judge 

YeS from Aunt Julia in Reno, Not used 
to travelling without me; knew I'd worry. 
Thoughtful of her, wasn't it ? [Puts on glasses.] 
A night letter. Much cheaper; your Aunt Julia 
was always a frugal wife. Besides, she never 
could keep within ten words. [Reads.] "Arrived 
safely. Charming rooms with plenty of air and 
sunlight. Our case docketed for March 15th. 
Wish you were here to see the women in 

30 







3 _ 



J ^ 

• • u 
-J a 



"And So They Were Married" 

Divorcee Row — overdressed and underbred." 
Rather neat, eh ? "Overdressed and underbred." 
"I should love to hear your comments on the 
various types." Now, isn't that sweet of her ? 
Well, you know, I always could make her laugh 

— except when I made her cry. "Write soon. 
With love, Julia." Now {jolds telegram], isn't 
that a nice message .'' From a wife suing for 
divorce ? You happily married people couldn't 
beat that. [Pats telegram and pockets it tenderly. 

John 
[like a practical business man] 
But if there's no other woman, no other man 

— what's it all about ? 

Judge 

She likes her beefsteak well done; I like mine 
underdone. She likes one window open — about 
so much [indicates four inches]; I like all the win- 
dows open wide ! She likes to stay at home; I 
like to travel. She loves the opera and hates the 
theatre; I love the theatre and hate the opera, 

Theodore 

Stop ! aren't you willing to make a few little 
sacrifices for each other ? Haven't you char- 
acter enough for that ? 

31 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

We've been making sacrifices for twenty-five 
years, a quarter of a century ! Character enough 
to last us now . . . Why, I remember the first 
dinner we had together after we were pro- 
nounced man and wife, with a full choral ser- 
vice and a great many expensive flowers — 
quite a smart wedding, Lucy, for those simple 
days. "Darling," I asked my blushing bride, 
"do you like tutti-frutti ice-cream?" "I adore 
it, dearest," she murmured. I hated it, but 
nobly sacrificed myself and gave her tutti- 
frutti and gained character every evening of 
our honeymoon ! Then when we got back and 
began our "new life" together in our "little 
home," my darling gave me tutti-frutti and in- 
digestion once a week until I nearly died ! 

Lucy 
But why didn't you tell her ? 

Judge 

I did; I did. Got chronic dyspepsia and 
struck ! " You may adore this stuflF, darling^'" I 
said, "but I hate it." "So do I, dearest," says 
she. "Then why in thunder have you had it all 

32 



"And So They Were Married" 

these years, sweetheart?''' "For your sake, be- 
loved!'' And that tells the whole story of our 
married life. We have nothing in common but 
a love of divorce and a mutual abhorrence 
of tutti-frutti. "Two souls with but a single 
thought, two hearts that beat as one!" It has 
been the dream of our lives to get apart, and 
each has nobly refrained for the other's sake. 
And all in vain ! 

John 

Bah ! All a cloak to hide his real motive. And 
he knows it ! 

Judge 

[after a painful pause] 

I may as well confess. [Looks around to see if 
overheard. Whispers.] For over twenty years 
I — I have broken my marriage vow ! [Lucy 
drops her eyes. Theodore aghast. John wags 
head.] So has your Aunt Julia ! 

Theodore 
No ! not that ! 

Judge 

Well, we solemnly promised to love each 
other until death did us part. We have broken 

33 



"And So They Were Married" 

that sacred vow! I don't love her ; she doesn't 
love me — not in the least ! 

John 

Rot ! A matured, middle-aged man, a dis- 
tinguished member of the bar — break up his 
home for that? Damned rot! 

Judge 

Right again, John. That's not why I'm break- 
ing up my home. I prefer my club. What 
does the modern home amount to .^ Merely a 
place to leave your wife. 

Lucy 

Of course, it doesn't matter about the poor 
little wife left at home. 

Judge 

Wrong, Lucy, it does matter. That's why I 
stayed at home and was bored to death with her 
prattle about clothes and the opera, instead of 
dining at the club with my intellectual equals, 
picking up business there, getting rich like 
John, supplying her with more clothes and a 
whole hox at the opera, like yours, Lucy. 

34 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

[shoots a glance at her husband] 
Oh, that's the way you men always talk. It 
never occurs to you that business, business, 
business is just as much of a bore to us ! 

Judge 

Wrong again ! It did occur to me — hence 
the divorce ! She couldn't stand seeing me 
bored; I couldn't stand seeing her bored. Once 
we could deceive each other; but now — too 
well acquainted; our happy home — a hollow 
mockery ! 

Theodore 
You ought to be ashamed ! I love my home ! 

John 
So do I. [He glances sternly at Lucy. 

Lucy 

[nervously] 
So do I. 

Judge 

All right. Stick to it, if you love it. Only, 
don't claim credit for doing what you enjoy. 

35 



"And So They Were Married" 

I stuck to my home for a quarter of a century 
and disliked it the whole time. At last I'm 
free to say so. Just think of it, Lucy, free to 
utter those things about marriage we all know 
are true but don't dare say ! Free to be honest, 
John ! No longer a hypocrite, no longer a liar ! 
A soul set free, Theodore — two souls, in fact. 
'*Two souls with but a single thought " 

Theodore 

Stop ! You have children to consider, not 
merely your own selfish happiness ! 

Lucy 
Yes, think of Tom and little Julia ! 

Judge 

We did ... for a quarter of a century — 
sacrificed everything to them, even our self-re- 
spect; but now — what's the use ? We are child- 
less now. Tom and Julia have both left us for 
"little homes" of their own to love. 

Theodore 

Ah, but don't you want them to have the old 
home to come back to .? 

36 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

"No place like home" for children, eh? 
You're right — can't have too much of it. Most 
children only have one home. Ours will have 
two ! When they get bored with one they can 
try the other. 

Theodore 

But, seriously, Uncle Everett — "Whom God 
hath joined together !" 

Lucy 

[clasping John's arm] 
Yes, Uncle Everett, marriages are made in 
heaven. 

Judge 

I see; quite so; but your Aunt Julia and I 
were joined together by a pink parasol made in 
Paris. 

John 

What rot ! Stop your fooHng and speak the 
truth, man. 

Judge 

Just what I'm doing — that's why you think 
I'm fooling. A very pretty parasol — but it 
wasn't made in heaven. You see, God made poor, 

37 



"And So They Were Married" 

dear Julia pale, but on that fatal day, twenty- 
five years ago, the pink parasol, not God, made 
her rosy and irresistible. I did the rest — with 
the aid of a clergyman, whom I tipped even 
more liberally than the waiter who served us 
tutti-frutti. Blame me for it, blame her, the 
parasol, the parson, but do not, my dear Theo- 
dore, blame the Deity for our own mistakes. 
It's so blasphemous. 

[A pause. Lucy takes place at the tea-table 
to serve tea. 

Lucy 

And to think we invited yow, of all people, 
here to-day of all days ! [To John.] We mustn't 
let Rex know. The Bakers don't believe in 
divorce. 

John 

What's this ^. You don't mean that Jean ? 

Lucy 

Yes ! Just in time — before he knew Helen 
was back. 

John 
[jumps up] 
She's landed him ! She's landed him ! We're 
marrying into the Baker family ! The Baker 

38 



"And So They Were Married" 

family ! [Shaking hands right and left.] Why, 
she'll have more money than any of us ! . . . 
Well, well ! We'll all have to stand around before 
little Jean now ! . . . My, my ! Lucy, you're a 
wonder! Those pearls — I'll buy them; they're 
yours ! Hurray for Lucy ! [Kisses Lucy. 

Lucy 

[feeling her importance] 
Now, if I could only get Helen out of this 
awful mess and safely married to some nice 
man ! 

Judge 
[sipping his tea] 

Meaning one having money? 

Theodore 

The Hamiltons are an older family than the 
Bakers, Lucy, older than our own. 

Judge 
Meaning they once had money. 

John 

[still pacing to and fro] 
Waste a beauty on a bacteriologist .? A 
crime ! 

39 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

See here, John, Ernest Hamilton is the biggest 
thing you've got in the Baker Institute ! One 
of the loveHest fellows in the world, too, and 
if you expect me — why did you ask us here, 
anyway ? 

Judge 

Far as I can make out, we're here to help one 
of John's sisters marry a man she doesn't love 
and prevent the other from marrying the man 
she does. 

John 

Oh, look here: I've nothing against young 
Hamilton. ... I like him — proud of all he's 
done for the institute. Why, Mr. Baker is 
tickled to death about the Hamilton antitoxin. 
But, Theodore, this is a practical world. Your 
scientific friend gets just two thousand dollars 
a year ! . . . Lucy, send for Helen. 

[Lucy goes obediently. 

Judge 
Well, why not give the young man a raise ^ 

John 

Oh, that's not a bad salary for scientists, 
college professors, and that sort of thing. Why, 

40 



"And So They Were Married" 

even the head of the institute himself gets less 
than the superintendent of my mills. No future 
in science. 

Judge 

Perfectly practical, Theodore. The superin- 
tendent of John's mills saves the company thou- 
sands of dollars. These bacteriologists merely 
save the nation thousands of babies. All our 
laws, written and unwritten, value private 
property above human life^I'm a distinguished 
jurist and I always render my decisions ac- 
cordingly. I'd be reversed by the United States 
Supreme Court if I didn't. We're all rewarded 
in inverse ratio to our usefulness to society, 
Theodore. That's why "practical men" think 
changes are "dangerous." 

John 
Muck-raker ! 

Judge 

It's all on a sliding scale, John. For keeping 
up the cost of living you and old man Baker 
get . . . [Stretches arms out full length.] Heaven 
only knows how much. For saving the Con- 
stitution I get ... a good deal. [Hands three 

41 



"And So They Were Married" 

feet apart.] For saving in wages and operating 
expenses your superintendent gets so much. 
[Hands two jeet apart.] For saving human Hfe 
Ernest Hamilton gets that. [Hands six inches 
apart.] For saving immortal souls Theodore 
gets — [Holds up two forefingers an inch apart.] 
Now, if any one came along and saved the 

world 

Theodore 
[interrupts] 
They crucified Him. 

John 
Muck-raker, muck-raker. 

Lucy 

[returning 
Tried my best, John, but Helen says she 
prefers to talk with you alone some time. 

John 
[furious] 
She "prefers"? See here! Am I master in my 
own house or not ^. 

Judge 
But Helen is a guest in it now. No longer 
42 



*'And So They Were Married" 

under your control, John. She's the New 
Woman. 

Theodore 

John, you can't stop that girl's marrying 
Ernest, if she wants to; he's head over heels in 
love with her. 

Lucy 

What ! We thought he was in love with his 
work ! 

Theodore 

He thinks there's no hope for him, poor boy. 

Lucy 

[to John] 
And she is mad about him ! 

John 
[to Lucy] 
And he is on the way out here now ! 

Theodore 
What ! He's coming to see her .? 

John 

No, no, thinks she's still in Paris — so she 
was when I invited him, damn it — but some- 

43 



"And So They Were Married" 

thing had to be done and done delicately. 
That's why I invited you two. 

Judge 

[bursts out laughing] 
Beautiful ! These lovers haven't met for a 
month, and to-night there's a moon ! 

Theodore 
[also laughs] 
You may as well give in, John. It's the sim- 
plest solution. 

Lucy 
[timidly] 
Yes, John, she's nearly thirty, and think how 
she treats all the nice men. 

John 

Who's doing this? You go tell Helen . . . 
that her Uncle Everett wants to see her ! 

[Lucy shrugs, starts reluctantly, and lingers 
listening. 

Theodore 

Now, uncle, you have more influence over 
her than any of us — don't let her know about 
. . . Aunt JuHa. Helen thinks the world of you. 

44 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

Of course not, never let the rising generation 
suspect the truth about marriage — if you 
want 'em to marry. 

Theodore 

There are other truths than unpleasant 
truths, Uncle Everett, other marriages than un- 
happy marriages. 

Judge 

Want me to tell her the truth about your 
marriage ? 

Lucy 

[at the door] 
Why uncle ! Even you must admit that 
Theodore and Mary are happy. 

[John is too much surprised to notice 
Lucy's presence. 

Judge 

Happy ? What's that got to do with it .'' Mar- 
riage is a social institution. Theodore said so. 
. . . Every time a boy kisses a girl she should 
first inquire: "A sacrifice for society?" And if 
he says, "I want to gain character, sweet- 

45 



"And So They Were Married" 

heart," then — "Darling, do your duty!" and 
he'll do it. 

Lucy 

Well, Theodore has certainly done his duty 
by society — six children 1 

Judge 

Then society hasn't done its duty by Theo- 
dore — only one salary ! 

John 

The more credit to him ! He and Mary have 
sacrificed everything to their children and the 
Church — even health ! 

Theodore 

We don't need your pity ! We don't want 
your praise ! Poverty, suffering, even separa- 
tion, have only drawn us closer together. We 
love each other through it all ! Why, in the last 
letter the doctor let her write she said, she 
said — [Suddenly overcome with emotion^ turns 
abruptly. \ If you'll excuse me, Lucy . . . Sani- 
tarium . . . the telephone. 

[Theodore goes into the house. 

46 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

Not praise or pity but something more sub- 
stantial and, by George, I'll get it for them ! 

[Turns to John, zvho interrupts. 

John 

See the example he sets to society — I honor 
him for it. 

Judge 

Fine! but that doesn't seem to restore Mary's 
radiant health, Theodore's briUiant youth. 

Lucy 

Ah, but they have their children — think how 
they adore those beautiful children ! 

Judge 

No, don't think how they adore them, think 
how they rear those beautiful children — in the 
streets; one little daughter dead from conta- 
gion; one son going to the devil from other 
things picked up in the street ! If marriage is a 
social institution, look at it socially. Why, a 
marriage like mine is worth a dozen like theirs 
— to Society. Look at my well-launched chil- 
dren; look at my useful career, as a jackal to 

47 



"And So They Were Married" 

Rig Business; look at my now perfectly con- 
tented spouse! 

Lucy 
But if you are divorced! 

Judge 

Is the object of marriage merely to stay 
married ? 

Lucy 

But character, think of the character they 
have gained. 

Judge 

Oh, is it to gain character at the expense of 
helpless offspring? Society doesn't gain by that 
— it loses, Lucy, it loses. . . . But simply be- 
cause, God bless 'em, "they love each other 
through it all," you sentimental standpatters 
believe in lying about it, do you ? 

John 

[bored, whips out pocket check-book and fountain 

pen\ 

Oh, talk, talk, talk ! Money talks for me. 

. . . But they're both so confoundedly proud ! 

48 



"And So They We-re Married" 

Judge 

Go on, write that check ! [John writes.] They 
must sacrifice their pride, John. Nothing else 
left to sacrifice, I'm afraid. 

John 
Well, you get this to them somehow. 

[Hands check to Judge. 

Judge 

Aha ! Talk did it. . . . Five thousand ? Gen- 
erous John ! 

John 

[impatiently] 
Never mind about me. That problem is all 
settled; now about Helen. . . . Lucy ! I thought 

I told you 

[Lucy, in a guilty hurry, escapes into the 
house. 

Judge 

John, charity never settles problems; it per- 
petuates them. You can't cure social defects by 
individual treatment. 

John 

[more impatiently] 
Does talk settle anything ? 
49 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

Everything. We may even settle the marriage 
problem if we talk ^onfj%. [Theodore returns 
from telephoning to the sanitarium.] Theodore, 
it's all right ! John honestly believes in setting 
an example to society ! Crazy to have his sisters 
go and do likewise ! 

Theodore 

Splendid, John ! I knew you'd see it — an 
ideal match. 

Judge 

{overriding John] 

Right, Theodore, ideal. This scientific suitor 
will shower everything upon her John honors 
and admires: A host of servants — I mean sac- 
rifices; carriages and motors — I mean charac- 
ter and morals; just what her brother advocates 
in Sunday-school — for others. An ideal mar- 
riage. 

John 

[hands in pockets] 
You think you're awfully funny, don't you ^. 
Humph ! I do more for the Church, for educa- 
tion, art, science than all the rest of the family 

SO 



"And So They Were Married" 

combined. Incidentally, I'm not divorced. . . . 
But this is a practical world, Theodore, I've got 
to protect my own. 

Lucy 

[returning] 
Helen will be here in a minute. 

John 

[suddenly getting an idea] 
Ah ! I have it ! I know how to keep them 

apart ! 

Theodore 

Be careful, John — these two love each other. 

Judge 

Yes, young people still fall in love. Whether 
we make it hard or easy for them — they will 
do it. But, mark my words, unless we reform 
marriagey there is going to be a sympathetic 
strike against it — as there is already against 
having children. Instead of making it harder to 
get apart, we've got to make it easier to stay 
together. Otherwise the ancient bluff will soon 
be called ! 

Lucy 

Sssh ! Here she comes. 
51 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 
Please don't talk this way before her. 

Judge 

All right, I'm not divorced yet, . . . still in 
the conspiracy of silence. 

[Helen appears at the door. A sudden silence. 

Helen 

\kissing Theodore and Judge affectionately] 

I'm so sorry to hear about dear Mary. [To 

Judge.] But why didn't Aunt Julia come .^ Is 

she ill, too } [Slight panic in the family party. 

Judge 

She's gone to Re-Re-Rio Janeiro — I mean 
to Santa Barbara — wants a complete change 
— The Rest Cure. [To Theodore apart.] Lie 
number one. 

[Another silence. Lucy makes tea for Helen. 

Helen 

[taking the cup] 
Well, go on ! 

Theodore 

Go on with what } 

52 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

[stirring tea] 
Your discussion of marriage. 

Lucy 
How did you know ? 

Helen 
Oh, it's in the air. Everybody's talking about 
it nowadays. 

[She sips tea, and the others look conscious. 

Theodore 
My dear, marriage is woman's only true 
career. 

Helen 

[raising her shield of flippancy] 
So Lucy tells me, Cousin Theodore. But a 
woman cannot pursue her career, she must be 
pursued by it; otherwise she is unwomanly. 

Judge 
Ahem. As we passed through the library a 
while ago, I think I saw your little sister being 
pursued by her career. 

Helen 
Yes, uncle, but Jean is a true woman. I'm 
only a New Woman. 

53 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

All the same, you'll be an old woman some 
day — if you don't watch out. 

Helen 

/ Ah, yes, my life's a failure. I haven't trapped 
a man into a contract to support me. 

Lucy 

[picks up knitting bag and does her best to look 
like just an old-fashioned wife^'] 
You ought to be ashamed ! Making marriage 
so mercenary. Helen, dear, haven't you New 
Women any sentiment } 

Helen 

Enough sentiment not to make a mercenary 
marriage, Lucy, dear. 

Judge 

Ahem ! And what kind of a marriage do you 
expect to make? 

Helen 

Not any, thank you, uncle. 

Judge 
What ! You don't believe in holy matrimony ? 
54 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

Only as a last extremity, uncle, like unholy 
divorce. 

Judge 
[jumps] 
What do you know about that ? 

Helen 

I know all about it ! [Others jump.] I have 
been reading up on the subject. 

[All relax, relieved, but now gather about the 
young woman. 



Theodore 

Come now, simply because many 
young people rush into marriage with- 
out thinking — 

Lucy 
Simply because these New Women — 

John 

Simply because one marriage in a 
thousand ends in divorce — 

55 



[To- 
gether] 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

Wait ! . . . One in a thousand ? Dear me, 
what an idealist you are, John ! In America, 
one marriage in every eleven now ends in 
divorce. And yet you wonder why I hesitate. 

John 

One in eleven — rot! [To Judge.] All this 
muck-raking should be suppressed by the Gov- 
ernment. "One in eleven !" Bah ! 

Helen 

[demurely] 
The Government's own statistics, John. 

[They all turn to the Judge /or denial^ but he 
7iods confirmation, with a complacent 
smile, murmuring: " Two souls with but a 
single thought." 

Lucy 

[sweetly knitting] 
Well, I may be old-fashioned, but it seems to 
me that nice girls shouldn't think of such things. 
. . . Their husbands will tell them all they 
ought to know about marriage — after they're 
married. 

56 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

Ah, I see. Nice girls mustn't think until after 
they rush in, but they mustn't rush in until 
after they think. You married people make it 
all so simple for us. 

Judge 

!R.ight ! The way to cure all evil is for nice 
people to close their minds and mouths to 
it. It's "unpleasant" for a pure mind, and it 
"leaves a bad taste in the mouth." So there 
you are, my dear. 

John 

[coming in strong] 
Oh, talk, talk, talk ! I've had enough. See 
here, young lady, I offered to pay all your ex- 
penses abroad for a year. You didn't seem to 
appreciate it — well, the trustees of the insti- 
tute are now to give Doctor Hamilton a year 
abroad. How do you like that ? 

[All turn and look at Helen. 

Helen 

Splendid ! Just what he needs 1 Doctor Metch- 
nikofF told me in Paris that America always 

S7 



"And So They Were Married" 

kills its big men with routine. When do we 
start ? [She tries to look very businesslike. 

John 

[springing to his feet] 
"We !" Do you think you are going ? 

Helen 

Of course ! I'm his assistant — quite indis- 
pensable to him . . . [To all.] Oh, well, if you 
don't believe me, ask him ! 

John 

[pacing to and fro] 
What next ! Paris ! Alone, with a man ! — 
Here's where I call a halt ! 

Helen 

But if my work calls me, I don't really see 
what you have to say about it, John. 

John 
Better not defy me, Helen. [He scowls. 

Helen 
Better not bully me, John. [She smiles. 

58 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
I am your brother. 

Helen 

But not my owner ! [TheUy instead of defiance^ 
she turns with animated interest to the others.] 
You know, all women used to be owned by men. 
Formerly they ruled us by physical force — 
now by financial force. . . . But at last they 
are to lose even that hold upon us — poor dears ! 
{Pats John's shoulder playjully. 

John 

[amusedy but serious] 

That's all right in theory, but this is a prac- 
tical world. My pull got you into the institute; 
my pull can get you out. You give up this wild 
idea or give up your job ! 

Helen 

[delighted] 

What did I tell you } Financial force ! They 
still try it, you see. [To John.] What if I re- 
fused to give up either, John? 

59 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

[emphatic] 

Then as a trustee of the institute I ask for 

your resignation — right here and now ! [Tunis 

away.] I guess that will hold her at home a 

while. 

Helen 

I simply must go to Paris now. I've nothing 
else to do ! 

John 
[with a confident smile] 
You will, eh ? Who'll pay your expenses this 
time } 

Helen 
[matter of fact] 
Doctor Hamilton. 

Lucy 

Helen ! please ! You oughtn't to say such 
things even in joke. 

Helen 

He'll take me along as his private secretary, 
if I ask him. 

[J pause. The others look at one another 
helplessly. 

60 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 
John, she's got you. You might as well quit. 

John 
Nonsense. I have just begun. You'll see. 

Theodore 

If you're so independent, my dear, why don't 
you marry your scientist and be done with it ? 

Helen 

[resents the intrusion but hides her feelings] 
Can you keep a secret ? [They all seem to think 
they can and gather near.] He has never asked 
me ! [The family seems annoyed. 

Lucy 

[with match-making ardor] 
No wonder, dear, he has never seen you except 
in that awful apron. But those stunning dinner 
gowns John bought you in Paris ! My dear, in 
evening dress you are quite irresistible ! 

Judge 

[apart to Theodore] 

Irresistible ^. Pink parasols. What a system I 

6i 



"And So TheyWere Married" 

Helen 

But you see, I don't want him to ask me. 
IVe had all I could do to keep him from it. 

[The family seems perplexed. 

John 
She's got some sense left. 

Lucy 
But suppose he did ask you, dear .? 

Helen 

Why, I'd simply refer the matter to John, of 
course. If John said, "Love him," I'd love him; 
if John said, "Don't love him," I'd turn it off 
like electric light. 

[The family is becoming exasperated. 

Lucy 

[insinuating 
Oh, you can't deceive us. We know how much 
you admire him, Helen. 

Helen 

Oh, no you don't ! [The family is amazed.] 
Not even he does. Did you ever hear how he 

62 



"And So They Were Married" 

risked his life in battle down in Cuba ? Why, 
he's a perfect hero of romance ! 

John 

[mutters] 
Never even saw a war — mollycoddle germ 
killer! 

Helen 

Not in the war with Spain — the war against 
yellow fever, John. . . . No drums to make 
him brave, no correspondents to make him 
famous — he merely rolled up his sleeve and let 
an innocent-looking mosquito bite him. Then 
took notes on his symptoms till he became de- 
Hrious. . . . He happened to be among those 
who recovered. [The family is impressed. 

Theodore 

Old-fashioned maidens used to marry their 
heroes, Helen. 

Helen 

[arisingy briskly] 

But this new-fashioned hero gets only two 
thousand dollars a year, Theodore. 

[She turns to escape. 
63 



*'And So They Were Married" 

John 

[nodding] 

I told you she had sense. 

Theodore 

Helen ! You selfish, too ? Why, Mary and I 
married on half that, didn't we, John ? 

[He looks around. The family looks away. 

Helen 

[with unintended emphasis] 

Doctor Hamilton needs every cent of that 
enormous salary — books, travel, scientific con- 
ferences — all the advantages he simply must 
have if he's to keep at the top and do his best 
work for the world. The most selfish thing a 
girl can do is to marry a poor man. 

[With that she hurries up the steps. 

Theodore 

[following her] 

All the same, deep down under it all, she has 
a true woman's yearning for a home to care for 
and a mate to love. [She is silently crying.] Why, 
Helen, dear, what's the matter .? 

64 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

[hiding her emotion] 
Oh, why can't they let me alone ! They make 
what ought to be the holiest and most beautiful 
thing in life the most horrible and dishonest. 
They make me hate marriage — hate it ! 

[Unseen by Helen, the Butler steps out. 

Theodore 

[patting her shoulder] 

Just you wait till the right one comes along. 

Butler 
[to Lucy] 
Doctor Hamilton has come, ma'am. 

Helen 

[with an old-fashioned gasp] 
Good heavens ! [And runs to the family. 

Lucy 
Show Doctor Hamilton out. 

[The Butler goes. 

Helen 
A plot to entrap him ! [Running to and fro 
65 



"And So They Were Married" 

wildly.] But it's no use ! I'm going . . . until 
he's gone ! [Helen runs into the garden. 

Judge 
Fighting hard, poor child. 

Theodore 
But what'll we do ? 

Judge 

Don't worry — she can't stay away — the 
sweet thing ! 

John 

Now listen, we must all jolly him up — he'll 
be shy in these surroundings. 

Judge 
Going to surrender, John ? 

John 
What I am going to do requires finesse. 

Lucy 

[in a flutter^ seeing Hamilton approach] 

Oh, dear ! how does one talk to highbrows .? 

66 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

Talk to him about himself! Highbrows, low- 
brows, all men love it. 

[Ernest Hamilton, discoverer of the Ham- 
ilton antitoxiriy is a fine-looking fellow of 
about thirty-fivey without the spectacles or 
absent-mindedness somehow expected of 
scientific genius. He talks little but very 
rapidly and sees everything. It does not 
occur to him to be shy or embarrassed "in 
these surroundings'' — not because he is 
habituated to so much luxury^ on three 
thousand a year, nor because he despises 
it; he likes it; but he likes other things even 
more. That is why he works for two thou- 
sand a year, instead of working for faty 
fashionable fees in private practice. 
John meets his distinguished guest at the 
door — effusively y yet with that smiling 
condescension which wealthy trustees some- 
times show to " scientist Sy college professorSy 
and that sort of thing.'' 

John 

Ah, Doctor Hamilton ! Delighted to see you 
on my little farm at last. Out here I'm just a 
plain, old-fashioned farmer. 

67 



"And So They Were Married" 

[Ernest glances about at the magnificence 
and smiles imperceptibly. He makes no 
audible replies to the glad zuelcome, but 
bows urbanely^ master of himself and the 
situation. 

Lucy 

Doctor Hamilton ! So good of you to come. 

Theodore 
How are you, Ernest ? Glad to see you. 

Lucy 

I don't think you've met our uncle, Judge 
Grey. 

Judge 

[humorously adopting their manner] 
Charmed ! I've heard so much about you ! — 
from my niece. 

Lucy 

[to Ernest's rescue ^ like a tactful hostess] 
A cup of tea. Doctor Hamilton ? 

Ernest 

[unperturbed by the reference to Helen] 
Thanks. 

68 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
[while Lucy makes tea. Trustee manner] 
I have often desired to express my admiration 
of your heroism in the war against yellow fever 
in er — ah - — Cuba, when you let an innocent- 
looking mosquito bite you 

Lucy 

[nodding and poising sugar-tongs] 
And then took notes on your symptoms till 
you became dehrious ! 

Ernest 
No sugar, thanks. 

[He looks from one to another with consider- 
able interest. 

Judge 

No drums to make you famous, no war cor- 
respondents to make you brave — I mean the 
other way round. 

Ernest 
[to Lucy poising cream pitcher] 
No cream, please. 

John 
Senator Root says this one triumph alone 
69 



"And So They Were Married" 

saves twenty million dollars a year to the busi- 
ness interests of the United States! I call that 
true patriotism. 

Ernest 
[with a nod oj assent to Lucy] 
Lemon. 

Theodore 
\wiih sincerity] 
General Wood says it saves more human 
lives a year than were lost in the whole Spanish 
War ! I call it service. 

Judge 

Colonel Goethals says the Panama Canal 
could not have been built if it hadn't been for 
you self-sacrificing scientists. Not only that, 
but you have abolished forever from the United 
States a scourge which for more than a cen- 
tury had through periodic outbreaks spread ter- 
ror, devastation, and death. [J pause. 

Ernest 

[boredy but trying to hide it] 

The ones who deserve your praise are the four 

who died to prove that theory. . . . [He smiles.] 

Of course, you all know their names. . . . [He 

70 



"And So They Were Married" 

looks at John, who looks at Judge, who looks at 
Lucy, who looks at Theodore. He takes up his 
cup.] Delicious tea. 

Theodore 

Ah, but they didn't do it for fame, for 
money — that's the beauty of the sacrifice. 

Ernest 

[with a smile] 
Quite so. . . . That's what Congress told us 
when we suggested a pension for the widow of 
the first victim. 

All 
What ! Did Congress refuse the pension ? 

Ernest 
[finishes his tea] 
They finally voted the sum of seventeen 
dollars a month for the widow and no less than 
two dollars a month extra for each of his chil- 
dren. . . . 

Lucy 
Is that all.? 

71 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

No. . . . We pestered Congress to death until, 
a few years ago, they replaced the pension with 
an annuity of one hundred and twenty-five dol- 
lars a month — though some of them said it 
was a very bad precedent to establish. [Returns 
cup to Lucy.] No more, thanks, deUcious. 

[And turns to admire the wide-sweeping view 
of the farm, hands ifi pockets. 

John 
[after a pause] 
Well, I think our scientists might well be 
called philanthropists. 

Ernest 

Hardly ! You see, every one knows the names 
of philanthropists. . . . Better let it go at "scien- 

tists. 

Judge 

He's right. Philanthropists don't give their 
lives, they give their names — have 'em carved 
in stone over their institutes and libraries. 

[ John approaches and joins his guest. 

Ernest 
Charming little farm you have here. 
72 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

Doctor Hamilton, America kills its big men 
with routine. You are too valuable to the 
nation to lose — the trustees think you need a 
year abroad. 

Ernest 

That's strange, I came out here to suggest 
that very thing. . , . Somebody has been saying 
kind things about me in Paris. Just had a let- 
ter from the great Metchnikoff — wants me to 
come over and work in the Pasteur ! Chance 
of a lifetime ! . . . You didn't have to jolly me 
up to consent to that ! 

John 

[pacing terrace with his guest, arm in arm] 
By the by, my sister is rather keen on science. 

Ernest 

Best assistant I ever had. You can pile an 
awful lot of routine on a woman. The female of 
the species is more faithful than the male. . . . 
She's over there already. We can get right to 
work. 

John 
She'll be back before you start. 

73 



*'And So TheyWereMarried" 

Ernest 

[stops short] 
I didn't know that. . . . Well, what is it ? 
[John hesitates^ turns to the familyy all 
watching with breathless interest. 

Theodore 

Don't you see, old chap, under the circum- 
stances it would hardly do for her to go back 
to Paris with you. 

Ernest 
Why not ? 

Lucy 

You're a man. 

Ernest 

[smiling\ 
You mean I'm dangerous ? 

Lucy 
But she's a woman. 

Judge 
They mean she^s dangerous. 
74 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

My dear fellow, we are going to ask you quite 
frankly to decline to take her. 

Ernest 

[looks about at the circle of anxious faces. He 
wont let them read him] 
So that's it, eh ? . . . But it's the chance of 
a lifetime for her, too. She needs it more than 
I do. She's had so little chance to do original 
work. 

John 
But she's a woman. 

Ernest 
Just what has that to do with it ? 

John 

Everything. We have the highest respect for 
you, Doctor Hamilton, but also . . . one must 
respect the opinions of the world, you know. 

Ernest 

[thinks it over] 
That's right. One must. I forgot to think of 
that. . . . It's curious, but when working with 

75 



"And So They Were Married" 

women of ability one learns to respect them so 
much that one quite loses the habit of insulting 
them. Too bad how new conditions spoil fine old 
customs. . . . Suppose you let her go and let me 
stay. I can find plenty to do here, I fancy. 

John 

I fear it would offend our generous benefactor, 
Mr. Baker. He has set his heart on your going 
abroad, meeting other big men, getting new 
ideas for our great humanitarian work. [The 
family exchange glances while John lies on.] Be- 
sides, my sister would only go to accommodate 
you. She particularly desires to stay here this 
winter. That's why she is returning so soon, 
you see. 

Ernest 
[believes it] 
Oh, I see. . . . I'm sure I have no desire to 
drag her over with me. . . . [Smiles at himself.] 
I rather thought the opportunity to continue 
our experiments together . . . but that's all 
right. 

John 
Then it's all settled — you agree to go alone ^. 

76 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

[a slight pause] 
Yes, alone. It's quite settled. 

John 
How soon could you start ? 

Ernest 

[absently] 
How soon ? Why, just as soon as I get some 
one to run my department. 

John 

Could my sister run it ? 

Ernest 
[smiles] 
Could she run it ? It can't run without her! 
She's as systematic as [to Lucy] — as a good 
housekeeper. 

John 

[with a satisfied look at the others] 
Then that's all fixed ! She'll stay when I tell 
her that you want her to. Could you arrange 
to start at once ,' 

77 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 
[hesitates] 
By leaving here to-night, I could. 

John 

[zvith a triumphant look at the family] 
Then I'll telephone for your passage — I have 
a pull with all the steamship lines. [Going.] Of 
course I hate to cut short your week-end, but I 
don't want to spoil any scientific careers. 

[John hurries in to telephone. Ernest starts 
toOy as if to stop him but restrains the im- 
pulse. He stands alone by the door gazing 
out over the landscape while Lucy, Theo- 
dore, and the Judge discuss him in low 
tones by the tea-table. 

Lucy 

Can't you see, you stupid men ! He's crazy 
about her — but thinks there's no hope. 

Theodore 

When she finds he's leaving for a year . . . 
she'll change her mind about marriage ! 

[Ernest comes back to earth and to the house^ 
party. 

78 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

[to Ernest, joining them] 
Ahem ! We were just discussing the marriage 
danger — I mean the marriage problem, 

Ernest 

[with a smile] 
Go right on — don't mind me. 

Theodore 

[old-friend manner] 
See here ! When are you ever going to marry ? 

Ernest 
[modern bachelor s laugh] 
When am I ever going to get more than two 
thousand a year ? 

Theodore 

Bah ! what has money got to do with it ! Just 
you wait till the right one comes along. 

[Helen comes along, stealing up the steps 
from the garden on tiptoe with the grave, 
absorbed look of a hunter stalking game. 
She catches sight of the man she wants 
and stops short, as motionless as if frozen. 
But not so ! Her lovely hands were poised; 

79 



"And So They Were Married" 

one of them now goes to her bosom and 
presses there. There is nothing icy about 
this New Woman now. 

Ernest 

[as unconscious of danger as a mountain-lion on 
an inaccessible height, smiles easily at his 
sentimental old friend Theodore] 
How do you know "the right one" hasn't 
come already ? 

[Theodore catches sight of Helen. She 
shakes her head in silent pleading, taps a 
finger on her lips, and in a panic flees 
noiselessly across toward the door. 

Theodore 

[suppressing a laugh] 
Then don't let her go by ! 

[Helen stops at the door and makes a face at 
Theodore. 

Ernest 

[affecti^ig indifference] 
Oh, I couldn't stop her, even if I wanted to. 

Theodore 

[turning to wink at Helen] 

How do you know ? Did you ever ask her 1 

80 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

To marry me ? Oh, no ! She hasn't any 
money. 

Theodore 

[Helen is dumfounded] 
Money ! You wouldn't marry for money ! 

[Helen draws near to hear the answer, 

Ernest 

You don't suppose I'd marry a woman who 
hadn't any? Most selfish thing a poor man can 
do. [Helen is interested. 

Theodore 
Oh, fiddlesticks ! You modern young people — 

Ernest 

[interrupts] 
Make her a sort of superior servant in an in- 
ferior home — not that girl ! [Helen is pleased. 

Theodore 

Feministic nonsense ! The old-fashioned wo- 
manly woman 

8i 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

Sentimental twaddle ! What makes it more 
"womanly" to do menial work for men than 
intellectual work with them ? 

[Helen delighted, applauds noiselessly. 

Theodore 

All the same, I'll bet you wouldn't let a Httle 
thing like that stand in your way if you really 
cared for a woman enough to marry her. 

Ernest 

[benign and secure] 
But, as it happens, I don't. Nothing could 
induce me to marry. 

[Helen raises her chin, her eyes glitter dan- 
gerously. 

Theodore 

So you are going to run away to Europe like 
a coward } 

Ernest 

[smiles patronizingly] 
Theodore, you are such an incorrigible ideal- 
ist ! I have nothing to be afraid of — I simply 
do not care to marry ! 

82 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
That's just what / said ! 

[Jll turn and behold Helen. 

Ernest 

My heavens ! [He steps hack like a coward. 

Helen 

But I agree with you perfectly. [She holds out 
her hand to him.] I was so afraid you beheved in 
marriage. [He rushes to her eagerly. 

Judge 

[as the lovers shake hands] 
You wronged him. Apologize, 

Ernest 

Why — why — all this time, I thought you 
had the usual attitude. 

Judge 
Wronged her. Both apologize. 

Helen 

Why didn't you ever tell me you had such 
enlightened views .? 

83 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 
Why didn't you ever tell me ? 

Judge 

Each understands the other now. Everything 
lovely ! 

Helen 

Think of the discussions we might have had ! 

Judge 

Not too late yet. Julia and I had discussions 
for a quarter of a century. 

Helen 

Don't think I had any hand in this. [Laughs.] 
I was going to warn you, but now — it is un- 
necessary now. 

Ernest 
Warn me ? What do you mean f 

Helen 

Can't you see ? It was all a plot ! [Lucy draws 
near noiselessly.] A plot to entrap you in mar- 
riage ! They had about given me up as a bad 

84 



*'And So They Were Married" 

job. You were my last hope. They were going 
to throw me at your head. [Louder but without 
turning.] Weren't you, Lucy dear .? 

Lucy 

[caught listening, turns abruptly to the others] 
These New Women are utterly shameless. 

Helen 

[to Ernest] 
These old-fashioned women are utterly shame- 
less. After a decent interval, they will all with 
one accord make excuses to leave us here alone, 
so that I can — [she comes nearer] ensnare you ! 
[Ernest laughs nervously.] Lucy is going to say 
— [imitates Lucy's sweet tones]: "If 3^ou'll ex- 
cuse me, I always take forty winks before dress- 
ing." Dressing is the hardest work Lucy has to 
do. Cousin Theodore will find that he must 
write to his wife, and Uncle Everett will feel a 
yearning for the billiard room. [Ernest is nod- 
ding and chuckling.] They're hanging on longer 
than usual to-day, and I simply must have a 
talk with you. 

Ernest 
Our shop-talk would scandalize 'em ! 
85 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
Wait, I'll get rid of them ! 

[She sits and begins to make tea. 

Ernest 
I've had my tea, thanks. 

Helen 

Stupid ! Sit down. [Indicates a chair close to 
hers. He takes it cautiously.] We'll have a little 
fun with them in a minute. 

[She is busy now making tea. 

Theodore 
[to Lucy and the Judge apart] 
You may be right, Uncle Everett, but upon 
my word it is the strangest courtship I ever 
witnessed. 

Lucy 

They ought to be spanked. 

Judge 

Don't worry, old Mother Nature will attend 
to that. 

Lucy 

Well, I may be old-fashioned, but 

86 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

[interrupting] 

But this is merely a new fashion, my dear 
Lucy. Nature her ancient custom holds, let 
science say what it will. 

Helen 

[handing cup to Ernest zvith a glance at the 
others] 
Now, then, be attentive to me. [He leans to- 
ward her rather shyly, abashed by her nearness. 
She makes eyes at him reproachfully.] Oh, can't 
you be more attentive than that? [She acts like 
a coquette and he looks into her beautiful eyes and 
while he is doing so she says with a fascinating 
drawl] Now tell me a-all about anterior polio- 
myelitis ! 

Ernest 

[suddenly taken aback, he laughs] 
Nothing doing since you left. 

[And bends close to explain. 

Lucy 
If you'll excuse me, Doctor Hamilton, I 
87 



"And So They Were Married" 

always take forty winks before dressing. We 
dine at eight. 

[Going, she signals to the others. Ernest and 
Helen exchange smiles. 

Theodore 

[laughing, to Lucy] 
Ss't ! Don't tell John what's going on ! Keep 
him busy telephoning. [Lucy nods excitedly and 
almost runs to obey the Church.] Helen, if you 
and Ernest will excuse me, I really must write 
to Mary. 

[Their shoulders are close together and they 
seem too absorbed to reply. Theodore 
smiles down upon them and signals the 
Judge to come along. The Judge, how- 
ever, shakes his head but waves Theo- 
dore into the house. Uncle Everett looks at 
the lovers with quizzical interest. He draws 
near and eavesdrops shamelessly. 

Helen 

You oughtn't to have dropped the polio ex- 
periments. 

Ernest 

You oughtn't to have dropped me — right 
in the midst of the experiments. Those agar 

88 



"And So They Were Married" 

plates you were incubating dried up and spoiled. 
You played the very devil with my data. 

Judge 
God bless my soul ! what are we coming to .? 

Helen 

[without turning] 
It's perfectly proper for your little ears, 
uncle, only you can't understand a word of it. 
Won't a7iy one play billiards with you I 

Judge 

But I'm fascinated. It's so idyllic. Makes me 
feel young again. 

Helen 
[to Ernest] 
Oh, you have plenty of men assistants who 
can estimate antitoxin units. 

Ernest 

Men assistants lose interest. They are all so 
confoundedly ambitious to do original work. 
Why is it women can stand day after day of mo- 
notonous detail better than men ? 

89 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

Because men always made them tend the 
home ! 

Judge 

Ah, nothing Hke a good old-fashioned love 
scene — in the scientific spirit. 

Helen 

Uncle, dear ! Cant you see that he is paying 
me wonderful compliments ? Haven't you any 
tact ? Go and play Canfield in the Hbrary. 

Judge 

[lighting cigar] 
Very well, I'll leave you to your own devices 
— and may God, your God, have mercy on your 
scientific souls. 

Helen 

[with sudden animation and camaraderie, think- 
ing they are alone] 
Now I must tell you what Doctor Metchni- 
kofF said about you and your future ! 

Judge 

Sst ! [Helen and Ernest turn.] My children 
90 



"And So They Were Married" 

— [Pause — raises his hand.] Don't forget the 
scientific spirit ! 

[The Judge saunters of into the garden, 
smoking. 

Ernest 
How did you ever meet MetchnikofF ? 

Helen 

[chafing] 
I had worked under Hamilton ! They all 
wanted to meet me. 

Ernest 

[with an unmistakable look] 

U'm . . . was that why? [Fleeing danger.] 

Didn't you let them know your part in that 

discovery ? Why, if it hadn't been for you, I 

should never have stumbled upon the thing 

at all. 

Helen 

Oh, I know my place too well for that ! Talk 
about artistic temperament, you scientists are 
worse than prima donnas. 

Ernest 

[takes printers' proofs out of pocket, hands them 
to her in silence] 
Some proofs of a monograph I was correcting 

91 



"And So They Were Married" 

on the train. Mind hammering those loose sen- 
tences of mine into decent English ? You can 
write — I can't. 

Helen 
[reading innocently] 
"Recent Experiments in Anterior Poliomye- 
litis by Ernest Hamilton, M.D., Ph.D., and 
Helen" — what ! why, you've put my name with 
yours ! [Much excited and delighted. 

Ernest 
Well, if you object — Hke a prima donna 



[Takes out pencil to mark on proof. 

Helen 

[snatching proofs away] 
Object } Why, this makes my reputation in 
the scientific world. 

Ernest 
Well, didn't you make mine ? 

Helen 

[still glowing with pride, hut touched by his unex- 
pected generosity] 
You can't imagine what this means to me. 
It's so hard for a woman to get any recognition. 

92 



"And So They Were Married'* 

Most men have but one use for us. If we get 
interested in anything but them it is "un- 
womanly" — they call it "a fad." But they've 
got to take me seriously now. My name with 
Ernest Hamilton's ! 

{Points to her name and swaggers back and 
forth. 

Ernest 
[hantering[ 
But then, you see, you are a very exceptional 
woman. Why, you have a mind like a man. 

Helen 

Like a man ? [Coming close to him, tempting 
him.] If you had a mind like a woman you 
would know better than to say that to me ! 

[Re-enter ]\jdge from garden. He smiles and, 
glances at them. The lovers keep quiet as 
he crosses to the door. Then they look at 
each other and smile. Judge has gone into 
the house. It is nearly dark. The moon is 
rising. 

Ernest 

[raises eyebrows] 
They all take for granted that I want to 
make love to you. [Smiles but avoids her eyes. 

93 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

[avoids his] 
Well, you took for granted that I wanted 
you to ! . . . You are about the most conceited 
man I ever knew. 

Ernest 
How can I help it when you admire me so? 

Helen 

I ? Admire you ? 

Ernest 

You're always telling me what great things 
I'm going to do — stimulating me, pushing me 
along. Why, after you left, everything went 
slump. Tell me, why did you leave ? Was I rude 
to you .? Did I hurt your feelings ? 

Helen 

Not in the least. It was entirely out of respect 
for your feelings. 

Ernest 

My feelings .? [Laughing.] Oh, I see. You got it 
into your head that / wanted to marry yoti ! 

94 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
Men sometimes do. 

Ernest 
[looks away] 
I suppose they do. 

Helen 
It's been known to happen. 

Ernest 

Talk about conceit ! Well, you needn't be 
afraid ! I'll never ask you to marry me. 

Helen 

[turns and looks at him a moment] 
You can't imagine what a weight this takes 
off my mind. [She looks away and sighs. 

Ernest 

[enthusiastically] 
Yes ! I feel as if a veil between us had been 
Hfted. 

[He looks away and sighs too. Some one he- 
gins Tristan and Isolde'' on the piano 
within. The moon is up. 

95 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

[after a pause] 
Suppose we talk about — our work. 

Ernest 
Yes ! Our work. Let's drop the other subject. 
Look at the moon ! 

[Music and the moonlight flooding them. 

Helen 
Seriously, you promise never to mention the 
subject again ? [She keeps her eyes averted. 

Ernest 
I promise. [He keeps his eyes averted. 

Helen 

[turning to him with a sudden change to girlish 
enthusiasm] 

Then I'll go to Paris with you 1 

Ernest 
[recoils] 
What's that ? 

Helen 
Why, Doctor MetchnikofF — he promised me 
he would invite you. 

96 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 
Yes, but — 

Helen 
Don't miss the chance of a Hfetime ! 

Ernest 

No, but you — you can't come ! 

Helen 
[simplyl 
If you need me I can, and you just said 

Ernest 
But you mustn't come to Paris with me ! 

Helen 
Don't you want me with you ? 

Ernest 

You are to stay at home and run the depart- 
ment for me. 

Helen 

[stepping back] 
Don't you want me with you ? 
97 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

[stepping forwardy with his heart in voice] 
Do I zvant you ! [Stops.] But I am a man — 
you are a woman. 

Helen 

What of it ? Are you one of those small men 
who care what people say ? No ! That's not your 
reason ! [She sees that it is not.] What is it ? You 
must tell me. 

Ernest 
[hesitates] 
It's only for your sake. 

Helen 

[with feeling] 
Think of all I've done for your sake. You 
wouldn't be going yourself but for me ! I was 
the one to see you needed it, I proposed it to 
MetchnikofF — I urged him — made him ask 
you — for your sake! And now am I to be left 
at home like a child because you don't care 
to be embarrassed with me.? 

Ernest 

Oh, please ! This is so unfair. But I simply 
can't take you now. 

98 



**And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
[with growing scorn] 
Oh ! You are all alike. You pile work upon me 
until I nearly drop, you play upon my inter- 
est, my sympathy — you get all you can out of 
me — my youth, my strength, my best ! And 
then, just as I, too, have a chance to arrive In 
my profession, you, of all men, throw me over ! 
I hate men. I hate you ! 

Ernest 

And I love you ! 

[ They stare at each other in silence, the moon-' 
light flooding Helen's face, the music 
coming clear. 

Helen 

[in an awed whisper, stepping hack slowly] 
I've done it ! I've done it ! I knew I'd do it ! 

Ernest 
No. I did it. Forgive me. I had to do it. 

Helen 
Oh, and this spoils everything ! 
99 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 
[comes closer] 
No ! It glorifies everything ! [He breaks loose.] 
I have loved you from the first day you came 
and looked up at me for orders. I didn't want 
you there; I didn't want any woman there. 
I tried to tire you out with overwork but 
couldn't. I tried to drive you out by rudeness, 
but you stayed. And that made me love you 
more. Oh, I love you ! I love you ! I love you ! 

Helen 
Don't; oh, don't love me ! 

Ernest 

[still closer] 
Why, I never knew there could be women 
like you. I thought women were merely some- 
thing to be wanted and worshipped, petted 
and patronized. But now — why, I love every- 
thing about you: your wonderful, brave eyes 
that face the naked facts of life and are not 
ashamed; those beautiful hands that toiled so 
long, so well, so close to mine and not afraid, 
not afraid ! 

Helen 

You mustn't ! I am afraid now ! I made you 

lOO 



"And So They Were Married" 

say it. [Smiling and crying.] I have always 
wanted to make you say it. I have always sworn 
you shouldn't. 

Ernest 
[pained] 
Because you cannot care enough ? 

Helen 
Enough ? . . . Too much. 

Ernest 

[overwhelmed] 
You — love — me! 

[He takes her in his arms, a silent embrace 
with only the bland blase moon looking on. 

Helen 

It is because I love you that I didn't want 
you to say it — only I did. It is because I love 
you that I went abroad — to stay, only I 
couldn't ! I couldn't stay away ! [She holds his 
face in her hands.] Oh, do you know how I 
love you ^. No ! . . . you're only a man ! 

Ernest 

[kissing her rapturously] 
Every day there in the laboratory, when you 

lOI 



"And So They Were Married" 

in your apron — that dear apron which I stole 
from your locker when you left me — when you 
asked for orders — did you know that I wanted 
to say: "Love me" ! Every day when you took 
up your work, did you never guess that I 
wanted to take you up in my arms ? 

Helen 

[smiling up into his face] 
Why didn't you ? 

Ernest 

Thank God I didn't! For while we worked 
there together I came to know you as few men 
ever know the women they desire. Woman can 
be more than sex, as man is more than sex. 
And all this makes man and woman not less 
but more overwhelmingly desirable and neces- 
sary to each other, and makes both things last 
— not for a few years, but forever ! 

[Sound of voices approaching from the gar- 
den. The lovers separate. It is Jean and 
Rex, Rex laughing., Jean dodging until 
caught and kissed. 

Jean 

No, no — it's time to dress. ... Be good. 
Rex — don't ! 

1 02 



"And So They Were Married" 

[Without seeing Helen and Ernest, they 
disappear into the house. Helen is sud- 
denly changed^ as if awakened from a spell 
of enchantment. 

Helen 

What have we done ! This is all moonlight 
and madness. To-morrow comes the clear light 
of day. 

Ernest 
Ah, but we'll love each other to-morrow ! 

Helen 

But we cannot marry — then or any other 
to-morrow. 

Ernest 
Can*t } What nonsense ! 

Helen 

[shaking her head and restraining him] 

I have slaved for you all these months — not 

because I wanted to win you from your work 

but to help you in it. And now — after all — 

shall I destroy you ? No ! No 1 

103 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

I love you — you love me — nothing else 
matters. 

Helen 

Everything else matters. I'm not a little 
debutante to be persuaded that I am needed 
because I am wanted ! I haven't played with 
you; I have worked with you, and I know! 
Think of Theodore ! Think of Lucy ! And now 
poor little Jean. Marry you .? Never ! 

Ernest 
You mean your career } 

Helen 

{with supreme scorn] 
My career? No ! yours — always yours ! 

Ernest 

[with the same scorn and a snap of the fingers] 
Then that for my career. I'll go back into pri- 
vate practice and make a million. 

Helen 

That's just what I said you'd do. Just what 
you must not do ! Your work is needed by the 
world. 

104 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

[wooing] 
You are my world and I need you. . . . But 
there is no love without marriage, no marriage 
without money. . . . We can take it or leave 
it. Can we leave it .? No ! I can't — you can't ! 
Come ! [She steps back slowly.] Why should we 
sacrifice the best ! Come 1 

Helen 

So this is what marriage means ! Then I 
cannot marry you, Ernest ! 

Ernest 

You cannot do without me, Helen ! [Holds 
out his arms.] Come ! You have been in my arms 
once. You and I can never forget that now. We 
can never go back now. It's all — or nothing 
now. Come ! [She is struggling against her pas- 
sion. He stands stilly with arms held out.] I shall 
not woo you against your will, but you are com- 
ing to me ! Because, by all the powers of earth 
and heaven, you are mine and I am yours ! 
Come ! 

[Like a homing pigeon she darts into his arms 
with a gasp of joy. A rapturous embrace in 

105 



"And So They Were Married" 

silence with the moonlight streaming down 
upon them. The music has stopped. 
John, dressed for dinner, strolls out upon 
the terrace. He stops abruptly upon dis- 
covering them. The lovers are too absorbed 
to he aware of his presence. 



io6 



Act II 



Act II 

// is the next morning, Sunday. 

It appears that at John's country place they have 
breakfast at small tables out upon the broad, 
shaded terrace overlooki^ig the glorious view 
of his little farm. 

Ernest ajid Theodore, the scientist and the 
clergyman, are breakfasting together. The oth- 
ers are either breakfasting in their rooms or 
are not yet down, it being Sunday. 

The man of God is enjoying his material bless- 
ings heartily. Also he seems to be enjoying 
his view of the man of science, who eats little 
and says less. 

Theodore 

[with coffee-cup poised] 

WHAT'S the matter with your appe- 
tite this morning, Ernest ? [Ernest, 
gazing up at one of the second-story 
windows, does not hear. The door opens. He starts. 
Then, seeing it's only a servant with food, he 
109 



"And So They Were Married" 

sighs.] Expecting something ? The codfish balls ? 
Well, here they are. [Ernest refuses the prof- 
fered codfish balls, scowls, brings out cigar case, 
lights cigar, looks at watch, and fidgets.] Oh, I 
know — you're crazy to go with me — to 
church ! [Ernest doesnt hear. Creates a cloud of 
smoke.] Their regular rector is ill. So I agreed to 
take the service this morning. . . . Always the 
way when off for a rest . . . isn't it ^ [No 
answer. Theodore gets up, walks around the 
table, and shouts in Ernest's /ac^.] Isn't it? 

Ernest 

[startled] 
I beg your pardon .? 

Theodore 

[laughs, Ernest wondering what's the joke] 
Oh, you're hopeless! [Going.] I can't stand 
people who talk so much at breakfast. 

Ernest 

[suddenly wakes up] 

Wait a minute. Sit down. Have a cigar. Let's 

talk about God. [Theodore stops smiling.] But 

I mean it. I'd like to have a religion myself. 

no 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

I had an idea you took no stock in religion. 

[Takes the cigar. Ernest holds a match for 
him. 

Ernest 

[enthusiastically] 
Just what I thought, until . . . well, I've 
made a discovery, a great discovery! 

Theodore 
A scientific discovery ? 

Ernest 
[with a wave of the hand] 
It makes all science look like a . . . m^re 
machine. 

Theodore 

Well, if you feel so strongly about it . . . 
better come to church after all ! 

Ernest 

I'm not talking about the Church — I'm talk- 
ing about religion. 

Ill 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

You're not talking about religion; you're talk- 
ing about — love. 

Ernest 
[quietly] 

Certainly; the same thing, isn't it? I'm talk- 
ing about the divine fire that glorifies life and 
perpetuates it — the one eternal thing we mor- 
tals share with God. . . . If that isn't religious, 
what is ? [Theodore smiles indulgently.] Tell 
me, Theodore — you know I wasn't allowed to 
go to church when young, and since then I've 
always worked on the holy Sabbath day, like 
yourself — does the Church still let innocent hu- 
man beings think there's something inherently 
wrong about sex ? [Theodore drops his eyes. 
Ernest disgusted with him.] I see ! Good people 
should drop their eyes even at the mention of 
the word. 

Theodore 

Sex is a necessary evil, I admit, but 

Ernest 

[laughs] 
Evil ! The God-given impulse which accounts 
for you sitting there, for me sitting here .? The 

112 



"And So They Were Married" 

splendid instinct which writes our poetry, 
builds our civilizations, founds our churches — 
the very heart and soul of life is evil. Really, 
Theodore, I don't know much about religion, 
but that strikes me as blasphemy against the 
Creator. 

Theodore 

Very scientific, my boy, very modern; but 
the Church believed in marriage before Science 
was born. 

Ernest . 
As a compromise with evil .? 

Theodore 
As a sacrament of religion — and so do you ! 

Ernest 

Good ! Then why practise and preach marriage 
as a sacrament of property? "Who giveth this 
woman to be married to this man — " Women 
are still goods and chattels to be given or sold, 
are they f 

Theodore 
Oh, nonsense ! 

113 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

Then why keep on making them promise to 
"serve and obey"? Why marry them with a 
ring — the Hnkof the ancient chain ? [He smiles.] 
In the days of physical force it was made of 
iron — now of gold. But it's still a chain, isn't 
it? 

Theodore 

Symbols, my dear fellow, not to be taken in a 
literal sense — time-honored and beautiful sym- 
bols. 

Ernest 

But why insult a woman you respect — even 
symbolically ? 

Theodore 
[with a laugh] 
Oh, you scientists ! 

Ernest 

[joining in the laugh] 

We try to find the truth — and you try to 

hide it, eh ? Well, there's one thing we have in 

common, anyway — one faith I'll never doubt 

again; I believe in Heaven now. I always shall. 

114 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 
Do you mind telling me why, my boy ? 

Ernest 

Not in the least. I've been there. [John comes 
out to breakfast. He is scowling.] Good morning; 
could you spare me five minutes? 

John 

[ringing bell] 
Haven't had breakfast yet. 

Ernest 
After breakfast ? 

John 
I've an appointment with young Baker. 

Ernest 

[smiles] 
I'll wait my turn. 

John 

Going to be pretty busy to-day — you, too, I 
suppose, if you're sailing to-morrow. 

115 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

I can postpone sailing. This is more impor- 
tant. 

John 

I should hate to see anything interfere with 
your career. 

[Lucy also arrives for breakfast. She *'al- 
zvays pours her husbarid's coffee." 

Ernest 

I appreciate your interest, but I'll look out 
for my ** career." [To Lucy.] Could you tell me 
when your sister will be down ? 

John 
[overriding Lucy] 
My sister is ill and won't be down at all . . . 
until after you leave. 

[Lucy pretends not to hear. Theodore walks 
away. 

Ernest 

[aroused, but calm] 

I don't believe you quite understand. It is a 

matter of indifference to me whether we have 

a talk or not. Entirely out of courtesy to you 

that I suggest it. 

ii6 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
Don't inconvenience yourself on my account. 

Ernest 

[shrugs shoulders and turns to Theodore] 
Wait, I think I'll sit in church till train time. 

Theodore 
[smoothing it over] 
Come along. I'm going to preach about 
marriage ! [Theodore starts off. 

Ernest 

[going, turns to Lucy] 
Thanks for your kindness. Will you ask the 
valet to pack my things, please? I'll call for 
them on the way to the station. [To John.] Do 
you understand .^ I have no favors to ask of 
you. You don't own your sister — she owns 
herself. [The scientist goes to church. 

John 

[with a loud laugh, tur^is to Lucy] 
Rather impertinent for a two-thousand-dol- 
lar man, I think. [Resumes breakfast, picks up 
newspaper. Lucy says nothing, attending to his 

117 



"And So They Were Married" 

wants solicitously .] Bah ! what does this high- 
brow know about the power men of my sort 
can use . . . when we have to? [Lucy cringes 
dutifully in silence. John, paper in one handy 
brusquely passes cup to Lucy with other.] Helen 
got her own way about college, about work, 
about living in her own apartment — but if she 
thinks she can put this across ! Humph ! These 
modern women must learn their place. [Lucy, 
smiling timidly, returns cup. John takes it with- 
out thanks, busied in newspapers. A look of re- 
sentment creeps over Lucy's pretty face, now that 
he cant see her.] Ah ! I've got something up 
my sleeve for that young woman. [Lucy says 
nothing, looks of contempt while he reads.] Well, 
why don't you say something .? 

Lucy 

[startled] 
I thought you didn't like me to talk at 
breakfast, dear. 

John 

Think I like you to sit there like a mummy ? 
[No reply.] Haven't you (Anything to say .? [Ap- 
parently not.] You never have any more, noth- 
ing interesting. . . . Does it ever occur to you 
that I'd like to be diverted.? ... No! 
Ii8 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

Yes. . . . Would you mind very much if . . . 
if I left you, John ? 

John 
Left me ? When — where — how long ? 

Lucy 

[gathering courage] 
Now — any place — entirely. 

John 
[bursts out laughing] 
What suddenly put this notion in your head ? 

Lucy 

I'm sorry — John, but I've had it — oh, for 
years. I never dared ask you till now. 

John 

[still glancing over paper] 
Like to leave me, would you ? . . . You have 
no grounds for divorce, my dear. 

Lucy 

But you will have — after I leave you. 
119 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
[yawns] 
You have no lover to leave with. 

Lucy 

[daintily] 

But couldn't I just desert you — without 
anything horrid ? 

John 
[reads] 
No money to desert with. 

Lucy 

[springs up — at bay] 
You won't let me escape decently when I 
tell you I don't want to stay? When I tell you 
I can't stand being under your roof any longer? 
When I tell you I'm sick of this life? 

John 

[gets up calmly] 
But, you see, I can stand it. I want you to 
stay. I'm not sick of it. You belong to me. 

Lucy 

[shrinking away as he approaches] 
Don't touch me ! Every time you come near 
me I have to nerve myself to stand it, 
1 20 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

What's got into you ? Don't I give you every- 
thing money can buy ? My God, if I only gave 
you something to worry about; if I ran after 
other women like old man Baker 

Lucy 

If you only would ! — Then you'd let me 
alone. To me you are repulsive. 

John 

[taking hold of her] 
Lucy ! You are my wife. 

Lucy 

[looking him straight in the eye] 
But you don't respect me, and I — I hate 
you — oh, how I hate you ! 

John 

[holds her fast] 
I am your husband, your lawful husband. 

Lucy 

[stops struggling] 
Yes, this is lawful — but, oh, what laws you 
men have made for women ! 

[The Judge comes out^ carrying a telegram, 

121 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

Rather early in the day for conjugal embraces, 
if you should ask me. [John and Lucy separate.] 
Makes me quite sentimental and homesick. 

[Judge raises telegram and kisses it. 

Lucy 

[calming herself] 
From Aunt Julia again .? Do you get tele- 
grams every day from Reno .? 

Judge 

No, but she caught cold. Went to the theatre 
last night and caught a cold. So she wired me 
— naturally; got the habit of telling me her 
troubles, can't break it, even in Reno. 

John 
I thought she hated the theatre ! 

Judge 

So she does, but I'm fond of it; she went for 
my sake. She's got the habit of sacrificing her- 
self for me. Just as hard to break good habits 

as bad. 

John 

True women enjoy sacrificing themselves. 

122 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

Yes, that's what we tell them. Well, we 
ought to know. We make 'em do it. [Brings out 
a fountain pen and sits abruptly.] That's what 
I'll tell her. I can hear her laugh. You know 
her laugh. 

Lucy 

[rings for a servant] 
A telegraph blank ? 

Judge 

[with a humorous expression he brings a whole 
pad of telegraph blanks out of another 
pocket] 
Carry them with me nowadays. [Begins to 

write.] Wish I hadn't sold my Western Union, 

John. 

John 

I don't believe you want that divorce very 
much. 

Judge 

It doesn't matter what / want — what she 
wants is the point. You must give the woman 
you marry tutti-frutti, divorces — everything. 
123 



"And So They Were Married" 

. . . Why, I've got the habit myself, and God 
knows I don't enjoy sacrifice — I'm a man ! 
The superior sex! 

John 

I don't believe you appreciate that wife of 
yours. 

Judge 

[between the words he's writing 
Don't I ? It isn't every wife that'd travel 
away out to Reno — you know how she hates 
travelling — and go to a theatre — and catch 
a cold — and get a divorce — all for the sake 
of an uncongenial husband. [Suddenly getting 
an idea, strikes table.] I know what gave her a 
cold. She raised all the windows in her bed- 
room — for my sake ! — I always kept them 
down for her sake. I'll have to scold her. [Bends 
to his writing again.] Poor little thing ! She 
doesn't know how to take care of herself without 
me. I doubt if she ever will. 

[Looks over telegram. A Servant comes y 
takes telegram, and goes. 

John 
Uncle Everett, I want your advice. 
124 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 
John ! do you want a divorce ? 

John 

No, we are not that sort, are we, Lucy ? [No 

answer.] Are we, dear ? 

Lucy 

[after a pause] 
No, we are not that sort ! 

John 

We believe in the sanctity of the home, the 
hoHness of marriage. 

Lucy 

Yes, we beheve in — "the hoHness of mar- 
riage !" 

[Turns away^ covering her j ace with her hands 
and shuddering. 

John 

Lucy, tell Helen and Jean to come here. 
[Lucy goes\ Well, young Baker spoke to me 
about Jean last night. I told him I'd think it 
over and give him my decision this morning. 

I2S 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

That's right. Mustn't seem too anxious, John. 
When the properly quahfied male offers one of 
our dependent females a chance at woman's 
only true career, of course it's up to us to look 
disappointed. 

John 

But I didn't bring up the little matter you 
spoke of. 

Judge 

About that chorus girl ? . . . Afraid of scar- 
ing him off ? 

John 

Not at all, but — well, it's all over and it's 
all fixed. No scandal, no blackmail. 

Judge 

Hum! By the way, got anything on Hamil- 
ton ? 

John 
I don't believe in saints myself. 
126 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

I see. . . . Good thing, for Jean Rex isn't a 
saint. I suppose you'd break off the match. 

[Rex, in riding clothes^ comes out. John sa- 
lutes him warmly. The Judge is reading 
the paper. 

Rex 

{not eagerly] 

Well? 

John 

Well, of course, you realize that you're asking 
a great deal of me, Rex, but — [Offers hand to 
Rex warmly.] Be good to her, my boy, be good 
to her. 

Rex 

{shaking hands, forced warmth] 
Thanks awfully. See-what-I-mean ? [To 
Judge.] Congratulate me, Judge; I'm the hap- 
piest of men. 

Judge 

{looking up from newspaper] 
So I see. Don't let it worry you. 

[Jean, in riding costume, comes from the 
house. 

127 



"And So They Were Married'* 

John 

[signallmg Judge to leave] 
If Helen asks for me, I'm in the garden. 

Judge 

If any telegrams come for me, I'm writing to 

my wife ! 

[Jean and Rex alone^ they look at each other^ 
not very loverlike. 

Jean 

[impulsively] 
You weren't in love with me yesterday. You 
aren't now. You would get out of it if you hon- 
orably could. But you honorabl}^ cant ! So you 
have spoken to John; you are going to see it 
through, because you're a good sport. ... I 
admire you for that, Rex, too much to hold 
you to it. You are released. 

Rex 

[amazed] 
Why — why — you — you don't suppose I 
want to be released ? 

Jean 
Well, I do ! . . . Yesterday I let you pro- 
128 



"And So They Were Married" 

pose to me when I cared for some one else. 
That's not fair to you, to me, to him ! 

Rex 

[in a sudden fury] 
Who is he ? What do you mean by this ? Why 
didn't you tell me ? 

Jean 

I am telling you now. What have you ever 
told me about yourself ? 

Rex 

[blinking] 
You had no right to play fast and loose with 
me. 

Jean 

I'm making the only amends I can. You are 
free, I tell you. 

Rex 

I don't want to be free ! He can't have you ! 
You are mine ! If you think you can make me 

stop loving you 

Jean 

[interrupting] 
Love, Rex ? Only jealousy. You've never been 
129 



"And So They Were Married" 

in love with me — you've always been in love 
with Helen. But you couldn't get her, so you 
took me. Isn't that true, Rex ? 

Rex 

[after an uncomfortable pause] 

I'll be honest with you, too. Yesterday I 

wasn't really very serious. I felt like a brute 

afterward. You tried your best to prevent 

what happened and ran away from me. But 

now 

Jean 

Don't you know why I ran away ? To make 
you follow. I made you catch me. I made you 
kiss me. Then you realized that we had been 
thrown together constantly — deliberately 
thrown together, if you care to know it — and, 
well, that's how many marriages are made. 
But I shan't marry on such terms. It's indecent ! 

Rex 

{another pause] 
I never thought a woman could be capable 
of such honesty ! . . . Oh, what a bully sport 
you are ! You aren't Hke the rest that have been 
shoved at me. Why, I can respect you. You are 
the one for me. [He tries to take her. 

130 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 

[restraining him with dignity] 
I am sorry, Rex, but I am not for you. 

Rex 

Jean ! without you . . . don't you see — I'll 
go straight to the devil ! 

Jean 

That old, cowardly dodge ? Any man who has 
no more backbone than that — why, I wouldn't 
marry you if you were the last man in the world. 

Rex 

[frantic to possess what he cannot have] 
You won't, eh ? We'll see about that. I want 
you now as I never wanted anything in my life, 
and I'll win you from him yet. You'll see ! 

[Helen now appears. 

Helen 

Oh, I beg your pardon. Lucy said John was 
out here. 

Jean 
I'll call him. [She runs down into the garden. 
131 



"And So They Were Married" 

Rex 

I'll call him. 

[He runs after Jean. Helen helplessly 
watches them go, sighs, standing by the gar- 
den steps until John ascends. He looks at 
Helen a moment, wondering how to begin. 
She looks so capable and unafraid of him. 

John 

If you hadn't gone to college, you could have 
done what Jean is doing. 

Helen 

\with a shrug and a smile] 
But how proud you must be, John, to have 
a sister who isn't compelled to marry one man 
while in love with another. Now, aren't you 
glad I went to college ? 

[She laughs good-naturedly at him. 

John 

Humph ! If you think I'd let a sister of mine 
marry one of old man Baker's two-thousand- 
dollar employees 

Helen 

Why, John, didn't Ernest tell you ^ Doctor 
n,2 



"And So They Were Married" 

Hawksbee has offered him a partnership. Just 
think of that ! 

John 

What ! Going back into private practice ? 

Helen 

But it's such a fashionable practice. Hawks- 
bee's made a milHon at it. 

John 
But the institute needs Hamilton. 

Helen 
Ah, but we need the money ! 

John 

[disconcerted] 

So you are going to spoil a noble career, are 

you ? That's selfish. I didn't think it of you. 

There are thousands of successful physicians, 

but there is only one Ernest Hamilton. 

Helen 

[laughs] 
Oh, don't worry, John, he has promised me 
to keep his two-thousand-dollar job. 

.133 



"And So They Were Married'* 

John 

Ah, I'm glad. You must let nothing interfere 
with his great humanitarian work. Think what 
it means to the lives of little children ! Think 
what it means to the future of the race ! Why, 
every one says his greatest usefulness has hardly 
begun ! 

Helen 

Oh, I know all that, I've thought of all that. 

John 

Now, such men should be kept free from cares 
and anxiety. What was it you said yesterday ? 
"He needs every cent of his salary for books, 
travel, all the advantages he simply must have 
for efficiency." To marry a poor man — most 
selfish thing a girl could do ! 

Helen 

Yes, John, that's what I said yesterday. 

John 

[scoring] 
But that was before he asked you ! [Helen 
smiles. He sneers.] Rather pleased with your- 
self now, aren't you ? "Just a woman after all" 

134 



"And So They Were Married" 

— heroine of cheap magazine story ! Sacrifices 
career for love ! . . . All very pretty and ro- 
mantic, my dear — but how about the man you 
love ! Want to sacrifice his career, too ? 

Helen 

But I'm not going to sacrifice what you are 
pleased to call my career. . . . Therefore he 
won't have to sacrifice his. 

John 

What ! going to keep on working ? Will he 
let the woman he loves work! 

Helen 

[demure] 
Well, you see, he says I'm "too good" to loaf. 

John 

Humph ! who'll take care of your home when 
you're at work? Who'll take care of your work 
when you're at home. Look at it practically. 
To maintain such a home as he needs on such a 
salary as he has — why, it would take all your 
time, all your energy. To keep him in his class 
you'll have to drop out of your own, become 
a household drudge, a servant. 

135 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
And if I am willing ? 

John 

Then where's your intellectual companion- 
ship ? How'll you help his work ? Expense for 
him, disillusionment for both. If you're the 
woman you pretend to be, you won't marry 
that man ! 

Helen 

[strong] 
The world needs his work, but he needs mine, 
and we both need each other. 

John 

[stronger] 
And marriage would only handicap his work, 
ruin yours, and put you apart. You know that's 
true. You've seen it happen with others. You 
have told me so yourself! 

Helen 

Then that settles it ! We must not, cannot, 
shall not marry. We have no right to marry. I 
agree with all you say — it would not join us 
together; it would put us asunder. 
136 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

And you'll give him up ? Good ! Good ! 

Helen 

Give him up ? Never ! The right to work, the 
right to love — those rights are inalienable. 
No, we'll give up marriage but not each other. 

John 
But — but — I don't understand. 

Helen 

[straight in his eyes] 
We need each other — in our work and in 
our life — and we're to have each other — until 
Hfe is ended and our work is done. Now, do 
you understand ? 

John 

[recoiling 
Are you in your right mind.f' Think what 
you're saying. 

Helen 

I have thought all night, John. You have 
shown me how to say it. 

137 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

But, but — why, this is utterly unbeHevable ! 
Why I'm not even shocked. Do you notice ? 
I'm not even shocked ? Because everything you 
have said, everything you have done — it all 
proves that you are a good woman. 

Helen 

If I were a bad woman, I'd inveigle him into 
marriage, John. 

John 

Inveigle ! Marriage ! Are you crazy ? . . . Oh, 
this is all one of your highbrow jokes ! 

Helen 

John, weren't you serious when you said 
marriage would destroy him ? 

John 
But this would destroy you ! 

Helen 

Well, even if that were so, which is more im- 
portant to the world ? Which is more important 
to your "great humanitarian work" ? 
138 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

Ah, very clever ! A bluff to gain my consent 
to marrying him — a trick to get his salary 
raised. 

Helen 

[with force] 
John, nothing you can do, nothing you can 
say, will ever gain my consent to marrying him. 
I've not told you half my reasons. 

John 

My God ! my own sister ! And did you, for 
one moment, dream that I would consent to 
that! 

Helen 

Not for one moment. I'm not asking your con- 
sent. I'm just telling you. 

John 

[after scrutinizing her] 
Ridiculous ! If you really meant to run away 
with this fellow, would you come and tell w<?, 
your own brother? 

Helen 

Do you suppose I'd run away without telling, 
even my own brother? 

139 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
[looks at her a moment; she returns his gaze] 
Bah ! — all pose and poppycock ! [He abruptly 

touches hell.] I'll soon put a stop to this nonsense. 

[Muttering.] Damnedest thing I ever heard of. 

Helen 

John, I understand exactly what I'm doing. 
You never will. But nothing you can do can 
stop me now. 

John 

We'll see about that. [The Butler appears] 
Ask the others to step out here at once; all 
except Miss Jean and Mr. Baker, I don't want 
them. Is Doctor Hamilton about ? 

Butler 
No, sir, he went to church. 

John 

All right. [TA^ Y^uihiiK disappears.] To church! 
My God ! 

[Helen pays no attention. She gazes straight 
out into the future, head high, eyes clear 
and wide open. 

140 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

First of all, when the others come out, I'm 
going to ask them to look you in the face. Then 
3^ou can make this statement to them, if you 
wish, and — look them in the face. 

Helen 

[with quiet scorn] 

If I were being forced into such a marriage 
as poor little Jean's, I would kill myself. But 
in the eyes of God, who made love, no mat- 
ter how I may appear in the eyes of man, 
who made marriage, I know that I am doing 
right. 

[Lucy comes out, followed by the Judge. 

John 

[not seeing them. He is loud] 
Say that to Uncle Everett and Cousin Theo- 
dore ! Say that to my wife, stand up and say 
that to the world, if you dare. 

Lucy 

[to Judge] 
She has told him ! 

141 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
[wheeling about] 
What ! did she tell you ? Why didn't you 
come to me at once ? 

Lucy 

[tremulous] 
She said she wanted to tell you herself. I 
didn't think she'd dare ! 

[They all turn to look at Helen. Theodore 
comes back from church alone. 

Helen 
It had to be announced, of course. 

Theodore 

[advancing^ beaming] 
Announced ? What is announced ? 

[All turn to him in a panic. 

Lucy 

[hurriedly] 
Their engagement, Theodore ! 

Judge 
[overriding Helen] 
Yes, John has given his consent at last — ex- 
ample to society. [Prods John. 
142 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

[also overrides Helen] 
Of course ! One of the finest fellows in the 
world. 

Theodore 

[delighted] 
And withal he has a deep religious nature. 
Congratulations. My dear, he'll make an ideal 
husband. 

[Takes both Helen's hands , about to kiss 
her. 

Helen 

[carit help smiling] 
Thank you, cousin, but I don't want a 
husband. [J sudden silence. 

Theodore 

[looks from one to the other] 
A lover's quarrel ? — already ! 

Judge 
[enjoying it] 
No, Theodore, these lovers are in perfect ac- 
cord. They both have conscientious scruples 
against marriage. 

143 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
Conscientious ! 

Judge 

So they are simply going to set up housekeep- 
ing without the mere formaHty of a wedding 
ceremony. [Theodore drops Helen's hands. 

Helen 

[quietly] 
We are going to do nothing of the sort. 

Theodore 
Uncle Everett ! [Takes her hands again. 

Helen 

We are not going to set up housekeeping at 
all. He will keep his present quarters and I mine. 

John 
But they are going to belong to each other. 

Theodore 
[drops Helen's hands — aghast] 
I don't believe it. 

144 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 
[apart to Theodore] 
The strike against marriage. It was bound to 
come. 

Theodore 
[to Judge] 
But Church and State — [indicates self and 
Judge] must break this strike. 

Helen 

John is a practical man. He will prove to 
you that such a home as we could afford would 
only be a stumbling-block to Ernest's useful- 
ness, a hollow sphere for mine. You can't fill it 
with mere happiness, Lucy, not for long, not 
for long. 

Judge 
[restrains Theodore about to reply] 
Oh, let her get it all nicely talked out, then 
she'll take a nap and wake up feeling better. 
[Whispering.] We've driven her to this ourselves, 
but she really doesn't mean a word of it. 
Come, dear child, tell us all about this night- 
mare. 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
[smiles at the Judge] 
Why, think what would happen to an eager 
intellect like Ernest Hamilton's if he had to 
come back to a narrow-minded apartment or a 
dreary suburb every evening and eat morbid 
meals opposite a housewife regaling him with 
the social ambitions of the other commuters. 
Ugh ! It has ruined enough brilHant men already. 
[Judge restrains Theodore and others who want 
to interrupt] Now at the University Club he 
dines, at slight expense compared with keeping 
up a home, upon the best food in the city with 
some of the best scientists in the country. . . . 
Marriage would divorce him from all that, 
would transplant him from an atmosphere pf 
ideas into an atmosphere of worries. We should 
be forced into the same deadly ruts as the rest 
of you, uncle. Do you want me to destroy a 
great career, Theodore ? 

Theodore 
Do you want to be a blot upon that career .? 

Helen 

[lightly] 
Fd rather be a blot than a blight, and that's 
what I'd be if I became his bride. Ask John. 

146 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

Do you want to be disgraced, despised, os- 
tracized ! 

Helen 
[smiles at Lucy] 

A choice of evils, dear; of course, none of 
those costly well-kept wives on your visiting 
list will call upon me. But instead of one day at 
home, instead of making a tired husband work 
for me, Fll have all my days free to work with 
him, like the old-fashioned woman you admire ! 
Instead of being an expense, Fll be a help to 
him; instead of being separated by marriage 
and divergent interests, we'll be united by love 
and common peril. . . . Isn't that the orthodox 
way to gain character, Theodore ? 

John 

Oh, this is all damned nonsense ! Look here, 
you've either got to marry this fellow now or 
else go away and never see him again; never, 
never! 

Helen 

Just what I thought, John. I intended never 
to see him again. That was why I let you send 
me abroad. But I'll never, never do it again. 

147 



"And So They Were Married" 

[Smiling like an engaged girl.] It was perfectly 
dreadful ! Ernest couldn't get along without me 
at all, poor old thing. And I, why, I nearly died. 

John 
Then you'll have to be married, that's all. 

The Others 
Why, of course you'll have to, that's all. 

Helen 

[nodding] 
Oh, I know just how you feel about it. I 
thought so, too, at first, but I can't marry 
Ernest Hamilton. I love him. 

Theodore 

But if you love him truly — marriage, my 
dear, brings together those who love each other 
truly. 

Helen 

But those who love each other truly don't 
need anything to bring them together. The 
difficulty is to keep apart. 

[J reminiscent shudder. 
148 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

That's all romantic rot ! Every one feels that 
way at first. 

Helen 

At first ! Then the practical object of marriage 
is not to bring together those who love each 
other, but to keep together those who do not ? 
[To Lucy.] What a dreadful thing marriage 
must be! [Judge chokes down a chuckle. 

Judge 

Ah, so you wish to be free to separate. Now 
we have it. 

Helen 

To separate ? What an idea ! On the contrary, 
we wish to be free to keep together ! In the old 
days when they had interests in common mar- 
riage used to make man and woman one, but 
now it puts them apart. Can't you see it all 
about you ? He goes down-town and works; she 
stays up-town and plays. He belongs to the 
laboring class; she belongs to the leisure class. 
At best, they seldom work at the same or sim- 
ilar trades. Legally it may be a union, but 
socially it's a mesalliance — in the eyes of God 
it's often worse. . . . No wonder that one in 
149 



"And So They Were Married" 

eleven ends in divorce. The only way to avoid 
spiritual separation is to shun legal union like a 
contagious disease. Modern marriage is divorce. 
[She turns to go, defiantly.] I've found my work, 
I've found my mate, and so has he ! What more 
can any human being ask ? 

[The Butler appears. 

Butler 

[to John] 
Doctor Hamilton is outside in a taxicab, sir. 

John 
Show him here at once ! 

Butler 

He says he does not care to come in, sir, 
unless you are ready to talk to him now. 

John 
Well, of all the nerve ! You bet I'm ready ! 

[Starts off. Helen starts^ too. 

Judge 

[intercepting them calmly] 
Wait a minute — wait a minute. [To Ser- 
vant.] Ask Doctor Hamilton kindly to wait in 
150 



"And So They Were Married" 

the library. [The Butler goes.] Now, we're all 
a bit overwrought. [Soothes Helen, pats her 
hand, puts arm about her, gradually leads her 
back.] I still believe in you, Helen, I still believe 
in him. [To all.] It's simply that he's so deeply 
absorbed in his great work for mankind that he 
doesn't realize what he is asking Helen to do. 

Helen 

[quietly] 
So I told him . . . when he asked me to 
marry him. 

All 
What ! He asked you to marry him ? 

Helen 

Of course! Implored me to marry him. [She 
adds, smiling.] So absorbed — not in mankind, 
but in me — that he "didn't realize what he 
was asking me to do." 

Lucy 

[utterly amazed] 
And you refused him ! The man who loves 
you honorably ? 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

[demurely] 
Of course ! You don't suppose I'd take ad- 
vantage of the poor fellow's weakness. Women 
often do, I admit — even when not in love, 
sometimes. . . . Not because they're depraved 
but dependent. 

John 

[to all] 
And then he proposed this wicked substitute! 
Poisoned her innocent mind — the bounder! 

Helen 
But he did nothing of the sort. 

John 
Oh, your own idea, was it ? 



Helen 



Of course ! 



John 

[to all] 
And he is willing to take advantage of the 
poor child's ignorance — the cad! [To Theo- 
dore.] "Deep religious nature," eh ? 

152 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 
I can't believe It of him. 

Helen 

He knows nothing about It yet. I haven't 
even seen him since I made my decision. 

[All exchange bewildered glances. 

John 

[apart to Judge] 
We've got to get him off to Paris. It's our 
only hope. 

Judge 

[apart to John] 

You can't stop her following. She's on the 

edge of the precipice — do you want to shove 

her over ? You are dealing with big people here 

and a big passion. [The Butler returns. 

Butler 

Doctor Hamilton asks to see ]VIIss Helen 
while waiting. 

Judge 
[calmly to Butler] 
Tell Doctor Hamilton that Miss Helen will 
see him here. [The Butler leaves. 

IS3 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

Are you crazy ! We've got to keep *em apart 
— our one chance to save her. 



Judge 

No, bring them together. That is our one 
chance. Come, we'll go down into the garden 
and they'll have a nice little talk. Nothing like 
talk, John, honest talk, to clear these marriage 
problems. [Going. 

John 

And let them elope ? In that taxicab .? — not 
on your life ! [Runs to and fro. 

Judge 

Come, John, girls never notify the family in 
advance when they plan elopements. It's not 
done. 

Theodore 

[going] 

Uncle Everett is right. Ernest will bring her 
to her senses. He has a deep religious nature. 

[Judge leads John away to the garden. 
154 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

[lingering — to Helen] 
If you offer yourself on such terms to the man 
who loves you honorably, he'll never look at 
you again. 

Theodore 
[leading Lucy off to garden] 
Don't worry ! She won't. 

[Ernest rushes out to Helen. 

Helen 
Ernest ! 

Ernest 

At last ! [He takes her in his arms; she clings 
to him and gazes into his eyes ; a long embrace.] 
Tell me that you're all right again. 

Helen 

[smiling with love and trust] 
Except that you deserted me, dear, just when 
I needed you most. Ernest, Ernest ! never leave 
me again. 

Ernest 

Deserted you ? Why, your brother said you 
were ill. 

155 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

Ah, I see ... he was mistaken. 

Ernest 
[jubilant and boyish] 
But never mind now, I've got you at last, and 
I'll never, never let you go. You've got to sail 
with me to-morrow. Together ! Oh, think ! To- 
gether. [Another embrace. 

Helen 

Are you sure you love me ? 

Ernest 

[laughs from sheer joy of her nearness] 
Am I sure ? Ten million times more to-day 
than yesterday. 

Helen 

Even so ... it is not, and can never be, 
as I love you. 

Ernest 

{with her hands in hisy gayly] 
Then you can apologize. 

Helen 

Apologize ? 

156 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

For saying, years and years ago — in other 
words, last night — that you didn't think you'd 
marry me after all. [She starts.] Why, what's 
the matter ? You're trembhng like a leaf. You 
are ill ! 



Helen 



No; oh, no. 



Ernest 

[tenderly] 
Still a few lingering doubts ? I had hoped a 
good night's rest would put those little preju- 
dices to sleep forever. 

Helen 

Sleep ? 

[She shakes her head, gazing at him soberly. 

Ernest 

So you could not sleep? Neither could I; I 
was too happy to sleep. I was afraid I'd miss 
some wondrous throbbing thought of your 
loveliness. [Takes her passive hand, puts a kiss 
in it, and closes it reverently while she looks into 
his eyes without moving.] Do you know, I'm dis- 

157 



"And So They Were Married" 

appointed in love. I always thought it meant 
soft sighs and pretty speeches. It means an 
agony of longing, delicious agony, but, oh, ter- 
rific. [She says nothing.] Dear, dear girl, it may 
be easy for you, but I can't stand much more 
of this. 

Helen 
Nor I. 

Ernest 

You must come to Paris with me or I'll stay 
home. All through the night I had waking 
visions of our being parted. Just when we had 
found each other at last. Some terrible imper- 
sonal monster stepped in between us and said: 
"No. Now that you have had your glimpse of 
heaven — away ! Ye twain shall not enter 
here. . . ." Silly, wasn't it? But I couldn't get 
the horror of it out of my head. 

Helen 
[nodding] 
Do you know why, Ernest ? Because it was 
in mine. It came from my thought to yours. 
You and I are attuned like wireless instruments. 
Even in the old blind days, there in the labora- 
tory I used to read your mind. Shall I tell you 
158 



"And So They Were Married" 

the name of the monster that would put us 
asunder ? ... Its name is Marriage. 

Ernest 

But I need you. You know that. And you 
need me. It's too late. We are helpless now — in 
the clutch of forces more potent than our little 
selves — forces that brought us into the world 
— forces that have made the world. Whether 
you will or no, this beautiful binding power is 
sweeping you and me together. And you must 
yield. 

Helen 

[reaching for his hand] 
Ah, my dear, could anything make it more 
beautiful, more binding than it is now ? 

Ernest 

It is perfect. The one divine thing we share 
with God. The Church is right in that respect. 
I used to look upon marriage as a mere contract. 
It's a religious sacrament. 

Helen 
Does the wedding ceremony make it sacred ? 
159 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

That mediaeval incantation ! No, love, which 
is given by God, not the artificial form made 
by man. 

Helen 

I knew it ! I knew you'd see it — the mistake 
of all the ages. They've tried to make love fit 
marriage. It can't be done. Marriage must be 
changed to fit love. [Impulsively.] Yes, I'll go to 
Paris with you. 

Ernest 

[about to take her in his arms] 
You darling ! 

Helen 

[steps hack] 
But not as your wife. 

Ernest 

[stops — perplexed] 
You mean . . . without marriage ? 

Helen 
I mean without marriage. 

[They look into each other s eyes, 
i6o 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

A moment ago I thought I loved you as much 
as man could love woman. I was mistaken in 
you — I was mistaken in myself. For now I 
love you as man never loved before. You su- 
perb, you wonderful woman ! 

Helen 

[holds out her hand to be shakeuy not caressed] 
Then you agree } 

Ernest 

[kneels^ kisses her hand, and arises] 
Of course not ! You blessed girl, don't you 
suppose I understand ? It's all for my sake. 
Therefore for your sake — no. 

Helen 

Then for my sake — for the sake of every- 
thing our love stands for ! 

Ernest 

[laughing fondly] 
Do you think I'd let you do anything for any- 
body's sake you're sure, later, to regret ? 
i6i 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

Then don't ask me to marry you, Ernest. 
We'd both regret that later. It would destroy 
the two things that have brought us together, 
love and work. 

Ernest 

Nonsense. Nothing could do that. . . . And 
besides, think of our poor horrified families ! 
Think of the world's view ! 

Helen 

Aren't we sacrificing enough for the world — 
money, comforts, even children? Must we also 
sacrifice each other to the world ? Must we be 
hypocrites because others are I Must we, too, 
be cowards and take on the protective coloring 
of our species ? 

Ernest 

Our ideas may be higher than society's, but 
society rewards and punishes its members ac- 
cording to its own ideas, not ours. 

Helen 

Do you want society's rewards ? Do you fear 
society's punishment ? 

162 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

[jubilantly enfolding her] 
With you in my arms, I want nothing from 
heaven, I fear nothing from hell; but, my dear 
[shrugs and comes down to earth with a smile and 
releases her], consider the price, consider the 
price. 

Helen 

Aren't you willing to pay the price ?" 

Ernest 
I ? Yes ! But it's the woman, always the 
woman, who pays. 

Helen 
I am willing to pay. 

Ernest 
I am not willing to let you. 

Helen 
You'll have to be, dear. I shall go with you 
on my terms or not at all. 

Ernest 

[with decision] 
You will come with me a[s my wife or stay at 
home. 

163 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 

[gasping] 
Now ? After all I've said, all I've done ? 
Ernest: I've told the family ! I relied upon you. 
I took for granted — Ernest, you wouldn't — 
you couldn't leave me behind now. 

Ernest 

Thanks to you and what you've made of me, 
I must and will. 

Helen 

Ernest ! [Opens her arms to him to take her. 

Ernest 

[about to enfold her — resists] 
No ! If you love me enough for that [points 
to her pleading hands] — I love you enough for 
this. [He turns to go.] Come when you're ready 
to marry me. 

Helen 

[shrilly excited, angered] 
Do you think this has been easy for me? 
Do you think I'll offer m3^self again on any 
terms ? Never ! 

164 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 
You must marry me — and you will. 

Helen 
You don't know me. Good-by ! 

Ernest 
Very well ! 

[Ernest, afraid to stay, goes at once. She 
waits motionless until she hears the auto- 
mobile carrying him away. She imme- 
diately turns from stone to tears, with a 
low wail. In utter despair, hands out- 
stretched she sinks down upon a bench 
and buries her face in her hands. 

Helen 
Oh, Ernest ! . . . How could you ? 

[Lucy, Theodore, Judge and John all 

hurry back, all excited. 

Theodore 
Did you see his horrified look ? 

Lucy 

Fairly running away — revolted. Ah ! 

[Points at Helen. Helen arises, defiant, 
confident, calm. 

i6S 



'"And So They Were Married" 

John 
[to Helen] 
What did I tell you ! 

Lucy 

You have thrown away the love of an honor- 
able man. 

Theodore 

Trampled upon the finest feelings of a deep 
nature. 

John 

Let this be a lesson to you. You've lost your 
chance to marry, your chance to work, and now, 
by heavens! you will cut out "independence" 
and stay at home, where women belong, and live 
down this disgrace ... if you can. 

I 

Lucy 

With one excuse or another — he'll stay 
away. He'll never come back. 

Helen 

[clear and confident as if clairvoyant] 
He will ! He is coming now. . . . He is 
1 66 



"And So They Were Married" 

crossing the hall. . . . He is passing through 
the Hbrary. . . . He's here ! 

[But she doesnt turn. Ernest reappears at 

the door and takes in the situation at a 

glance. 

John 

[still turned toward Helen] 
He'll never look at you again, and I don't 
blame him ! I'm a man; I know. We don't re- 
spect women who sell out so cheap. 

Ernest 

You lie ! [All turn, astounded. Helen runs 
toward Ernest with a cry of joy. John starts to 
block her. To John.] Stop ! You're not fit to 
touch her. No man is. 

John 
[with a sarcastic laugh] 
Humph ! I suppose that's why you ran away. 

Ernest 
Yes. To protect her from myself. 

John 
Then why come back .? 
167 



"And So They Were Married'* 

Ernest 

To protect her from you ! You cowards, you 
hypocrites! [He rushes down to Helen, puts his 
strong arm about shoulder and whispers rapidly.] 
Just as I started, something stopped me. In a 
flash I saw ... all this. 

Helen 

[clasping his arm with both hands] 
I made you come ! I made you see ! 

John 

[advances menacingly] 

By what right are you here in my home ? By 
what right do you take my sister in your arms ? 

Ernest 

By a right more ancient than man-made law ! 
I have come to the cry of my mate. I'm here to 
fight for the woman I love ! [Arm about Helen, 
defies the world. To all.] My trip to Paris is post- 
poned. One week from to-day gather all your 
family here, and in your home we'll make our 
declaration to the world. 

John 
In my home ! Ha ! Not if I know It. 
i68 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

[restraining John] 
Play for time, John — he'll bring her around. 

John 

[to Ernest] 
Do you mean to marry her or not ? Speak my 
language ! 

[Ernest releases Helen and steps across 
to John. 

Ernest 

She decides that — not you. 

[All turn to Helen. 

Helen 
Never ! 

John 
[shaking off Judge. To Helen.] 
You'll go with this damned fanatic only over 
my dead body. 

Helen 
[high] 
And that will only cry aloud the thing you 
wish to hide from the world you fear. 

[Just now Jean is seen slowly returning 
from the garden without Rex. Her pretty 
169 



"And So They Were Married" 

head is bent and, busy with her own sad 
thoughts, she is startled by the following : 

Ernest 

There are laws to prevent marriage in some 
cases but none to enforce marriage on women 
— unless they will it. 

John 

[beside himself with rage] 
Enforce ! Do you think I'll ever allow a sister 
of mine to marry a libertine ? 

Jean 
[thinks they are discussing her, and is outraged] 
But I'm not going to marry him ! My engage- 
ment is broken. 

[General consternation. Sobbing, Jean runs 
into house. 

John 

My God, what next ? Lucy, don't let Rex get 
away ! You know what he'll do — and when he 
sobers up, it may be too late. [To Ernest.] As 
for you, you snake, you get right out of here. 
170 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

[in the sudden silence] 
Now you've done it, John. 

Ernest 
Oh, very well, this is your property. 

Helen 
But / am not ! I go, too ! 

[She runs to Ernest. 

Theodore 
Don't commit this sin ! 

John 

Let her go! She's no sister of mine. 

Judge 

[the only calm one] 
If she leaves this house now, it's all up. 

John 

A woman who will give herself to a man with- 
out marriage is no sister of mine. 
171 



"And So They Were Married'* 

Helen 

[about to go, turns, leaning on Ernest. To all] 
Give ! . . . But if I sold myself, as you are 
forcing poor little Jean to do, to a libertine she 
does not love, who does not love her — that 
is not sin ! That is respectability ! To urge and 
aid her to entrap a man into marriage by play- 
ing the shameless tricks of the only trade men 
want women to learn — that is holy matrimony. 
But to give yourself of your own free will to 
the man you love and trust and can help, the 
man who loves and needs and has won the 
right to have you — oh, if this is sin, then let 
me live and die a sinner ! 

[She turns to Ernest, gives him a look of com- 
plete love and trust, then hursts into tears 
upon his shoulder, his arms enfolding her 
protectingly. 



172 



Act III 



Act III 



It is well along in the afternoon of the same busy 
day of rest. Most unaccountably — until the 
Judge accounts for it later — the terrace has 
been decked out with festoons and flowers 
since the excitement of the morning. Japa- 
nese lanterns have been hung, though it is not 
yet time to light them and though it is Sun- 
day in a pious household. 

Most incongruously and lugubriously, LuCY is 
pacing to and fro in silent concern. 

Theodore now comes out of the house, also look- 
ing harassed, Lucy turns to him inquiringly. 
He shakes his head sadly. 



N 



Lucy 
O word from Uncle Everett ? 



Theodore 

No word. He must have reached town long 
ago, unless he had tire trouble. . . . It's a bad 
sign, Lucy, a bad sign. He would surely tele- 
phone us. 

175 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 
Oh, if he only hadn't missed their train ! 

Theodore 

[hopelessly] 
Uncle Everett is the only one who could have 
brought them to their senses. 

Lucy 

It may not be too late. He took our fastest 
car, our best chauffeur, 

Theodore 

Detectives are to watch all the steamers to- 
morrow. John telephoned at once. 

Lucy 

But to-morrow will be too late ! And, oh ! 
when it all comes out in the newspapers ! The 
ghastly head-lines — "well-known scientist, 
beautiful daughter of a prominent family!" 
Oh ! What will people say ? 

[John, hurried and zvorriedy rushes out shout- 
ing for Lucy. 

John 

Any news ? Any news ? [Theodore and Lucy 
176 



"And So They Were Married" 

give him gestures of despair.] Then it's too late. 
[He, too, paces to and fro in Jury. Then bracing 
up.] Well, I found Rex, over at the Golf Club. 
Terribly cut up. But listen; not a drink, not 
one ! . . . Where's Jean ? Got to see her at 
once. 

Theodore 

Locked herself up in her room, John, crying 
her little heart out ! 

John 

Rex is a changed man, I tell you. We've got 
to patch it up, and we've got to do it quick ! 

Lucy 

But, John ! When the Bakers hear about 
Helen . . . Rex marry into our family ? Never ! 
We're disgraced, John, disgraced ! 

John 

\impatiently] 
But they're not going to hear about Helen. 
No one knows, and no one will. Helen has sim- 
ply returned to Paris to complete her scientific 
research. My press-agent — he's attending to 
all that. 

177 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

But questions, gossip, rumor — it's bound 
to come out in time ! 



John 

In time; but meanwhile, if Jean marries Rex, 
the Bakers will have to stand for it. What's 
more, they'll make other people stand for it,! 
Backed by the Bakers, no one will dare turn 
us down. . . . Our position in the world, my 
business relations with the old man — every- 
thing hangs on little Jean now. Tell her I've sim- 
ply got to see her. [Lucy hesitates.] Hurry ! Rex 
is coming over later. [He catches sight of the 
tabUy festoonSf etc.] Heavens ! What's all this 
tomfoolery ? 

Lucy 

[going] 
Uncle Everett's orders — he wouldn't stop to 
explain. He left word to summon the whole 
family for dinner. [Lucy goes. 

John 

[shrilly] 
The whole family ! . . . To-day of all days ! 
178 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

John ! You must not, shall not, force Jean to 
marry this man. 

John 
[unappreciated] 
Haven't I done everything for my sisters ? 
Can't they even marry for me? 

Theodore 
The man she loves or none at all. 

John 

That cub at the law school ? No money to 
keep a wife, no prospects of any. His father's a 
college professor. 

Theodore 

[shaking head sadly] 
"No love without marriage, no marriage 
without — money!" Ernest Hamilton's words 
this morning, when we walked to church. 

John 

[watching house expectantly] 
Survival of the fittest, Theodore, survival of 
the fittest. 

179 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

The fittest for what? — for making money! 
the only kind of fitness encouraged to survive, 
to reproduce its species. 

John 

If the ability to make money is not the test 

of fitness, what is ? 

Theodore 

Then you are more fit than a hundred Ham- 
iltons, are you ? And Rex ? How fit is he? Rex 
never made a cent in his life. 

John 

He's got it, all the same. . . . See here ! Haven't 
I enough to worry me without your butting in? 
Jean's got to marry somehodyy sometime, hasn't 
she ? 

Theodore 

But not Rex, not if I can prevent it. 

John 

But you can't — you have nothing to do 
with it . . . except to perform the ceremony 
and get a big, fat fee for it. 

1 80 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 
I — marry Jean and Rex ? Never ! 

[Jean comes out. She is frightened and turns 
timidly to Theodore for protection. 

John 

Jean, don't detain Theodore. He has an im- 
portant business letter to write. [Theodore 
turns to John indignantly.] Your wife's sana- 
torium bills — better settle up before they dun 
you again. 

Theodore 

With your money ? 

[Takes John's check out of pocket, about to 
tear it. 

John 
{catching Theodore's hand] 
For Mary's sake, for the children's — don't 
give way to selfish pride. . . . Want to kill 
your wife ^ Then take her out of the sanatorium. 
Want to ruin your children? Then take them 
out of school! . . . Cash your check, I tell you, 
and pay your debts ! 

[Theodore glances at Jean, at check. A 
struggle. At bay, he finally pockets check 
and dejectedly goes into the house. 
i8i 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 

[with a wet handkerchief in hand] 
Well ? If I refuse to marry Rex ? . . . Cut 
off my allowance or merely bully me to death ? 

John 

[kindly] 
Oh, come ! You've filled your romantic little 
head full of novels. I never force anybody to do 
anything. [Suddenly breaks out.] My heavens! 
what's the matter with all of you ^. I only want 
to give you and Lucy and Helen and Theodore 
and the whole family the best of everything in 
life! And what do I get for it? I'm a brutal 
husband, a bullying brother, and a malefactor 
of wealth. Lord ! I guess I have some rights, 
even if I have got money ! 

Jean 

Rex has money, too. Should that give him the 
right to women ? I, too, have some rights — even 
though I am a woman. 

John 

Any woman who can't care enough for a 
Baker to marry him — Rex is the sort who 
182 



"And So They Were Married" 

would do everything in the world for the 
woman he loves, everything. All the Bakers are 
like that. 

Jean 

But what would he do for the woman he no 
longer loves ? 

John 

He wasn't fool enough to tell you about that ? 

Jean 
About what ? 

John 

[halting] 
Nothing — I thought — I tell you, Rex has 
reformed. 

Jean 

You thought I meant his "past." I meant 
his future . . . and my own. 

John 

Well, if you expect to find a saint, you'll 
never get married at all. 

Jean 
And if I never married at all ? 
183 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
Then what will you do ? 

Jean 

[with a wail of despair] 
That's it — then what should I do — what 
could I do ? Oh, it's so unfair, so unfair to train 
girls only for this! What chance, what choice 
have I ? To live on the bounty of a disapprov- 
ing brother or a man I do not love ! Oh, how 
I envy Helen ! If I only had a chance, a decent 
chance ! 

John 

Any sensible girl would env}^ your chance. 
You'll never have another like it. You'll never 
have another at all ! Grab it, I tell you, grab it. 
[Rex comes quietly, a determined look on his face, 
John sees him.] Now, think, before too late, 
think hard. Think what it means to be an old 
maid. [Jnd leaves them abruptly. 

[Jean stands alo7ie, looking very pretty in 
girlish distress. Rex gazes at her a mo- 
ment and then with sudden passion he 
silently rushes over, seizes her in his arms, 
kisses her furiously. 
184 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 

[indignant, struggles, frees herself, and rubs her 
cheek] 
Ugh ! How could you ! 

Rex 

Because I love you ! 

Jean 
Love ! It isn't even respect now. 

Rex 

Has that fellow ever kissed you ? 

Jean 

I have begged you never to refer to him 
again. 

Rex 

He has ! He has held you in his arms. He has 
kissed your lips, your cheeks, your eyes ! 

Jean 

How many women have you held in your 
arms ? Have I ever tried to find out ? 

Rex 

Ah ! You don't deny it, you can't. 

185 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 

I can ! He respects me. I don't deserve it, but 
he does. 

Rex 

Thank heavens ! Oh, you don't know how 
this has tormented me, Httle Jean. The thought 
of any other man's coming near you — why, I 
couldn't have felt the same toward you again, 
I just couldn't. 

Jean 

\hites her lips — then deliberately] 
Well, then . . .other men have come near 
me . . . other men have kissed me. Rex. 

Rex 

[getting wild again] 
What ! When ? Where .? 

Jean 
[laughing cynically] 
Oh, in conservatories in town, John's camp 
in the North Woods, motor rides in the coun- 
try — once or twice out here on this very ter- 
race, when I've felt sentimental in the moon- 
light. 

i86 



"And So They Were Married" 

Rex 

[recoiling] 
Oh! Jean! I never supposed you were that 
sort ! 

Jean 
[zvith distaste] 
Oh, I don't make a habit of it ! I'm not that 
sort. But . . . well, this isn't all I could tell 
you about myself, Rex. 

Rex 

Don't! . . . Oh, what do you mean — quick. 

Jean 

Oh, I've merely been handled, not hurt. 
Slightly shop-worn but as good as new. 

Rex 

[after a pausey quietly] 

Jean, what makes you say such horribly hon- 
est things to me ? 

Jean 

Yesterday I did you a great unkindness. Rex. 
I deserve to suffer for it. . . . You don't sup- 
pose I enjoy talking this way about myself ? 

187 



"And So They Were Married" 

Rex 

I never heard a girl — a nice girl — talk like 
this before. 

Jean 

Naturally not. Usually "nice" girls hide it. 
It's an instinct in women — to keep up their 
value. . . . Often I've had thoughts and feel- 
ings which "nice" girls of your artificial ideal 
are supposed never to have at all. Perfectly nat- 
ural, too, especially girls of my sort. We have so 
little to occupy our minds, except men! To have 
a useful, absorbing occupation — it rubs off 
the bloom, lowers our price in the market, you 
see. 

Rex 

Oh, stop ! ... If you're not going to marry 
me, say so, but 

Jean 
But I am ! . . . I am not going to be a de- 
pendent old maid. [Rex, bewildered^ only gazes 
at her.] But, first, I want you to know exactly 
what you're getting for your money. That seems 
only businesslike. 

Rex 
[recoils] 
Would you only marry me for that ? 
1 88 



"And So They Were Married" 

Jean 

I told you I loved another man. Do you want 
me ? 

Rex 

[with jealousy returning] 
Do I want you! He shan't have you. 

[He comes close. 

Jean 
Then take me. 

Rex 

[seizes her passionately] 
I'll make you love me! [Kisses her trium- 
phantly.] I'll bring a different light into those 
cold eyes of yours. Wait until you're married ! 
Wait until you're awakened. I'll make you for- 
get that man, all other men. You are to be mine 
— all mine, all mine ! [During this embrace Jean 
is quite passive^ holds up her cheek to he kissed^ 
and when he seeks her lips she shuts her eyes and 
gives him her lips. He suddenly stops, chilled; 
holding her at arm's length.] But I don't care to 
marry an iceberg. Can't you love me a little ? 
Haven't you any sentiment in your cynical 
little soul . . . you irresistible darling ! 



**And So They Were Married" 

Jean 

In my soul ? Yes ! It's only my body I'm sell- 
ing, you know. 

[ Then deliberately — clearly without passion 
— throws her arms about his neck, cling- 
ing close and kissing him repeatedly until 
Rex responds. 

Rex 
Look out, here comes the parson. 

[Theodore comes out of the house. 

Jean 

Oh, Theodore ! Rex and I have come to an 
understanding. . . . Will you solemnize our 
blessed union ? 

Theodore 

Not unless you truly love each other. Mar- 
riage is sacred. 

Jean 

[rapidly] 

A large church wedding — that will make it 

sacred. A full choral service — many expensive 

flowers — all the smartest people invited — that 

always makes the union of two souls sacred. 

190 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

Those who truly love — their friends should 
witness the solemn rite, but 

Jean 
[interrupts. To Rex] 
And my wedding gown will be white satin 
with a point-lace veil caught up with orange- 
blossoms and a diamond tiara — "the gift of 
the groom" — that ought to make it solemn. 

Theodore 
The white veil is the symbol of purity, Jean. 

Jean 

[rattling on wildly] 
Of purity. Rex, do you hear ? Whenever you 
see a bride in the white symbol of purity she is 
pure — that proves it. That makes it all so 
beautiful ! so sacred ! so holy ! holy ! holy ! 

[Hysterically turns and runs into the house 
as John comes out. 

Theodore 

[following] 
Jean, you must not, you shall not — [John 
blocks Theodore. Rex runs in after Jean. To 
191 



"And So They Were Married" 

John.] John, I warn you ! I'll prevent this mar- 
riage. I'll tell every clergyman in the diocese. 
I'll inform the bishop himself. This marriage 
would be a sacrilege. 

John 

You dare threaten me — after all Fve done 
for you ! 

Theodore 

Your five thousand was a loan — not a 
bribe — every cent of it will be returned. 

John 

You can't return it. I wouldn't let you if you 
could. Come, it's all in the family. [Theodore 
shakes his head.] You know that beautiful Gothic 
chapel old man Baker is building on his estate ? 
He likes you. I'll tell him you're just the man 
he's looking for — safe and sane — no socialistic 
tendencies. 

Theodore 

Don't trouble yourself — he offered me the 
place this morning. 

John 
You didn't refuse it ! 

192 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

I did — this morning. But since my last talk 
with you I've reconsidered, I've telephoned my 
acceptance. 

John 

[genuinely glad] 
Bully ! Great ! Why, now you're fixed for 
life. "Only one kind of fitness encouraged," 
eh? . . . Right always triumphs in the end. 
Never lose your faith again, Theodore. 

Theodore 

Right ? That whited sepulchre ! his mill hands 
dying like flies, his private life a public scandal ! 

John 

[with a cynical grin] 
Then why accept his tainted money ? 

Theodore 
[from his soul] 
To keep my wife alive. To keep my children 
out of the streets. To keep myself out of deeper 
debt to you. That's why I accept it — that's 
why many a man sells his soul to the devil. . . . 
If I had only myself to consider — why, to me a 

193 



"And So They Were Married" 

little thing like death would be a blessed luxury. 
But I, why, John, I cannot afford — even to 
die. I must compromise and live — live for 
those dependent on me. . . . Your five thousand 
will be returned with interest, but your little 
sister will not be married to a man she does not 
want. 

John 

But Rex wants her and money talks in this 
world, louder than the Church. Refuse to marry 
Baker's son and how long will you keep Baker's 
chapel ? . . . Think it over, Theodore, think it 
over. 

[Suddenly the Judge in motor garments cov- 
ered with dust comes out panting^ followed 
by Lucy calling. 

Lucy 
Uncle Everett ! Uncle Everett ! 



John! Oh, John! 



Where is she! 



Judge 

John 
194 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 
You were too late ! 

Judge 
Wait ! Give me time to get my breath. 

[Fans himself with his cap and mops brow. 

John 
My detective — didn't he meet their train ? 

[Judge nods yes. 

Lucy 

But they saw him first ? 

[Judge shakes head no. 

Theodore 
Didn't he follow them ? [Judge nods yes. 

John 

Where'd they go ? Where are they ? Speak, 
man, speak ! 

Judge 
[raises cap and handkerchief] 
Now, just give me a chance and I'll tell the 
whole story. . . . The detective was waiting 

195 



"And So They Were Married" 

at the station. He saw them step out of the train. 
He followed them to the cab-stand. He watched 
them get into a taxi — jumped into another 
himself — and away they went, pursued by the 
detective and blissfully ignorant of his exis- 
tence. . . . Even now they don't know they 
were being watched — or else . . . well, they 
might have taken another course. 

Lucy 

Quick ! Tell us the worst. 

Judge 

[hesitates] 
Well . . . they drove straight to Helen's 
apartment. 

Lucy 
And you were too late. I thought so. 

John 

But my detective ? 

Judge 

He followed and reported to me when I 
reached town. 

196 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

Reported what ? Tell us all. 

Judge 

First he saw Ernest help Helen out of the 
taxi — very tenderly, like this. Little they real- 
ized then how every detail was to be reported 
to you now! 

John 

Go on ! Go on ! 

Judge 

Then the detective saw Ernest deliber- 
ately 

Lucy 
Yes, go on. 

Judge 

Deliberately lift his hat like this, say "good 
afternoon" just like that, and drive on to his 
own apartment a mile away. 

{There is a sudden silence; the others waiting, 
the Judge now sits down. 

Lucy 

Oh, is that all ? 

197 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 
Why, it's exactly as if they were engaged ! 

Judge 
No, Theodore, not exactly as if engaged. 

John 

You're keeping something back from us ! 
Speak ! 

Judge 

[gets up from chair] 
Must I tell you ? It's rather delicate. . . . 
Well, he didn't even step into the vestibule to 
kiss her good-by. [All look at each other. 

John 
But where are they now ? Quick ! 

Lucy 
They met later ! I knew it. 

Judge 

Yes, it's true. They are alone together at 
this very moment. 

198 



"And So They Were Married" 

All 
Where ! Where ? 

Judge 
[pointing to house] 
There. 

John 
What ! What are they doing here ? 

Judge 

[resumes fanning] 
Discussing the marriage problem. [General 
rejoicing and relief.] Sssh ! Not so loud, you 
might interrupt them. 

John 

[nodding knowingly] 
Cold feet ! Knew he'd lose his job. 

Lucy 
The disgrace. She couldn't face it. 

Theodore 
No, conscience. A deep religious nature. 

[They all think it over a moment^ each sure 
of his own diagnosis. 
199 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
[turning to Judge tvith amusement] 
So ! Decided the soul-mate theory wouldn't 
work in practice, eh ? 

Theodore and Lucy 
And they agree to marry ? 

Judge 

[stops fanning] 
Marry ? My, no ! Nothing like that. They 
think less of marriage than ever now! Helen 
is using woman's sweet indirect influence on 
Ernest in there at this moment! 

[All start toward the house impulsively, but 
on second thoughts they all stop. 

John 
Then how on earth did you get them back ! 

Judge 

[lighting cigar] 

Oh, perfectly simple, I promised Helen you'd 

apologize to Ernest; promised Ernest you'd 

apologize to Helen. [To Lucy.] Promised both 

you'd arrange a nice little family party for 'em. 

They bear no grudge. They're too happy. 

200 



"And So They Were Married" 

Lucy 

[horrified. Indicates table] 
The family party — for them? Horrors ! 

Judge 

[tossing away match] 
Yes, here in your happy home. [The others 
turn on the Judge indigna^itly.] Well, don't jump 
on me, I tell you they positively decline to elope 
until after they tell the whole damn family. 
Considerate of them, I say. You don't deserve 
it, if you ask me. 

John 

[incredulous] 
Tell the whole. . . see here, are they crazy ? 
Are you crazy ? Do you think Fm crazy ? 

[Impetuously turns toward the house, a man 
of action. 

Judge 
[stopping John] 
Wait ! . . . You've already done your best 
to destroy your sistet — but you've utterly 
failed. They have done nothing wrong — as yet. 
Why, they are the finest, truest, noblest pair 
of lovers I ever met ! Now, aren't they, Theo- 
dore ? 

20 1 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

I can't say that I call Helen's ideas of mar- 
riage "noble," exactly! 

Judge 

[grandiloquent] 
She is willing to sacrifice even marriage for his 
career. Isn't that noble ? And he ! willing to sac- 
rifice even his career for marriage. Both noble, 
if you ask me. 

John 
[loud] 
Noble tommy-rot ! — a pair of pig-headed, 
highbrow fools ! They don't have to sacrifice 
anything for anybody. Can't they work to- 
gether just as well married as unmarried ? 

Judge 

[slyly] 
That's what I said to her, but you had al- 
ready convinced her that it was impractical. 
Work and marriage — "combine the two, and 
you'll fail at both" — your own warning, John. 

John 
[angry] 
B'r'r — you. think you're very funny, don't 

202 



**And So They Were Married" 

you ! But that's my sister in there, planning to 
be that fellow's mistress — right here in my 
own house ! Anything funny about that ! 

Judge 

[stepping aside] 
All right, go put a stop to it then ! [John 
starts toward house.] It's your own house — turn 
her out again. [John stops short.] What are you 
going to do about it, John ? [John has no an- 
swer.] Drive little Jean into marriage with a 
man she does not love — she is an old-fashioned 
girl. But your other sister — you can't make 
her marry even the man she does love, unless 
she sees fit. She is the New Woman ! Society can 
no longer force females into wedlock — so it 
is forcing them out ... by the thousands ! Ap- 
prove of it ? Of course not. But what good will 
our disapproval do ? They will only laugh at 
you. The strike is on. Few of the strikers will 
let you see it. Few of the strikers have Helen's 
courage. But, believe it or not, the strike will 
spread. It cannot be crushed by law or force. 
Unless society wakes up and reforms its rules 
and regulations of marriage, marriage is doomed. 
. . . What are you going to do about it ? [Si- 
lence.] I thought so — nothing. Call them bad 
203 



"And So TheyWere Married" 

women and let it go at that. Blame it all on 
human nature, made by God, and leave un- 
touched our human institutions, made by man. 
You poor little pessimists ! human nature to- 
day is better than it ever was, but our most 
important institution is worse — the most sa- 
cred relationship in life has become a jest in 
the market-place. . . . You funny little cow- 
ards, you're afraid of life, afraid of love, afraid 
of truth. You worship lies, and call it God ! 

John 

[interrupts] 
All right, all right — but we can't change 
marriage overnight just to suit Helen. What 
are you going to do about it ? 

Judge 

There's just one thing to do. Will you back 
me up in everything I say ? 

John 

[acknowledging his own defeat] 
Anything — everything. 

Judge 
Then tell Helen she doesn't have to marry, 
204 




From a photograph by White Studio. 

Judge: You poor little pessimists ! Human nature to-day is better than 
it ever was, but our most important institution is worse — the most 
sacred relationship in life has become a jest in the market-place. 



"And So They Were Married" 

that, with the best intentions, the Church has 
made a muddle of monogamy. 

Theodore 
Uncle Everett, I protest. 

Judge 

That we all admire their consecrated courage 
and advise their trying this conscientious experi- 
ment. 

John 

Not if I have anything to say about it ! 

Judge 

But you haven't. Do please get that through 
your head. . . . Theodore, they've talked 
enough, ask them to step out here and receive 
John's blessing. [Impatiently.] Go on — I'll fix 
John. [Theodore goes.] [To John, zvho is about 
to burst forth.] Oh, see here, did you ever pull a 
dog into the house against his will ? . . . Let 
him alone and he'll follow you in, wag his tail, 
and lick your hand. 

John 

You mean, they'll come in, be respectable ? 

205 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

Admit that marriage has numerous drawbacks 

— and they'll see its advantages. Deny it — 
and they'll see nothing but each other. Marriage 
is in a bad way, but it's the less of two evils. 
Marriage must adjust itself to the New Woman 

— but the New Woman must meanwhile adjust 
herself to marriage. [Briskly to Lucy.] Now, 
then, did you send out that hurry call for the 
family this evening ? 

Lucy 

Yes, they're on their way here now, but 
Uncle Everett, Doctor Hamilton said, next 
week. 

Judge 

Yes, I know — it'll be a little surprise party 
for Helen. . . . Did you order some music ? 

Lucy 

Yes, the musicians are to be stationed in the 
library. 

Judge 

Excellent, excellent. [Indicates tables and fes- 
toons.] All that junk will help, too. A good Sun- 
206 



"And So They Were Married" 

day supper this evening, Lucy; your best cham- 
pagne, John — gay spirits, family affection, 
warm approval, toasts to the future. Why, all 
we'll have to do is — [Breaks off.] Here they 
come. Now follow my lead. They've done a lot 
of thinking since you saw them last, but — 
make one misstep and it's all off. 

Lucy 

Be nice to her, John. It was just a girlish 
impulse. 

[John opens arms to receive Helen. 

John 
My sister ! All is forgiven. 

Helen 

[stops shorty her lip curls] 
You forgive me? 
[Before John can reply, Theodore and 

Erne ST /o//ozf, talking. 

Ernest 

But I tell you he had a perfect right to put 
me off his property. The thing I can't overlook 
— [Sees John and Lucy. Points finger at them 
207 



"And So They Were Married" 

accusingly.] Theodore has told me what you 
thought, . . . Please don't judge us by your- 
selves again — you licentious-minded married 
people! 

[He shrugs his shoulders with fastidious 
disgust and turns his back upon them. 

John 

[gasping] 
Well, I'll be damned. 

Judge 

[whispers] 
Stand for it — he's right. 

Theodore 

But Ernest . . . I'm bound to say when two 
people run away together 

Ernest 

Ah, Theodore ! you, too? Are all married peo- 
ple alike ? Did we want to "run away" as you 
call it ? Did we not ask for a week to think it 
over ? Did we not stipulate that in any case we 
must frankly face the family first ? But this 
person — what did he do ? he ordered us off 
208 



"And So They Were Married'* 

his property, like trespassers ! What could we 
do ? Sit down in the road and wait a week ? Bah ! 
we went home — you suspicious married people, 
you hypocritical, unspeakable married people ! 
[Judge has difficulty in restraining John.] Why, 
I believe our good friend the Judge here is the 
only decent-minded, properly married person 
on your property. 

John 

[bursting out] 
Decent-minded — why, he's div 



[Lucy stops him. 

Judge 

[steps in] 
Dev-oted to his wife. Lucy is jealous of what 
I'm doing for my wife. [Controls laughter.] Now 
come, we must all just let bygones be bygones. 
We know your intentions are honorable, your 
courage admirable; and for whatever was amiss 
in word, deed, or thought, we all humbly apol- 
ogize — don't we, John ? [John hows uncomfort- 
ably.] Lucy ? Theodore ? And now I want you 
all to tell Ernest and Helen what you told me — 
that their arguments against marriage are un- 
answerable, their logic unimpeachable, and we 
209 



"And So They Were Married" 

no longer have the sHghtest intention or desire 
to get them divorced by matrimony. [John, 
Theodore, and Lucy look dubious. Judge 
crosses over and pinches them. Helen and Er- 
nest are utterly bewildered.] Why, we wouldn't 
let a little thing like marriage come between 
them for the world, would we, John ? would we, 
Lucy ? would we, Theodore ? 

John 
[with an effort] 
I agree with Uncle Everett entirely. 

Judge 
And you, Theodore ? 

Theodore 

{in a low voice] 
Perfectly. 

Judge 
And you, Lucy ? 

Lucy 

[with a nervous glance at John] 
Absolutely. 

2IO 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

[to the lovers] 
There. You see? 

[Ernest looks from one to the other in amaze- 
ment. 

Helen 

{laughing[ 
I don't believe a word of it ! 

Judge 

Why not ? why not ? 

Helen 

Very well, then invite the whole family here 
next Sunday! 

Judge 
They'll be here in an hour. [Points to tables. 

Helen and Ernest 

[recoiling[ 
In an hour ! 

Judge 

Yes, you are to begin your new life together 
this evening! Isn't it lovely? 

211 



"And So They Were Married*' 
Helen 

[gasping] 
But that's so sudden. Why, we — we aren't 
ready. 

Theodore 

Just as ready as you'll ever be. 

Judge 

Ernest's vacation begins to-morrow — your 
honeymoon. 

Helen 

But, don't you see 

Lucy 

Those new Paris clothes John gave you — 
your trousseau. 

Ernest 

Well, but 

Judge 

And this family gathering this evening, your 
— in a manner of speaking — wedding party. 
[Waving aside all the lovers' objections.] Now, it's 
all fixed, let's go and dress for the — as it 
were — ceremony. 

212 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

[blocks the way. Serious] 
Wait ! Did I ever say I would not marry this 
woman ? [All stop, turn, exchange glances. 

Judge 

[apart] 
Ah! a broad-minded chap. 

John 

[with a wink at Judge] 
Ah ! so you think you'd Hke to marry my sis- 
ter after all ? 

Ernest 

Oh, you're an ass! What have I been doing 
for the past twenty-four hours ? Begging her to 
marry me. What have you been doing ? Prevent- 
ing it. Why did I postpone sailing for a week t 
Why did I insist upon the family party \ 
[Comes nearer to John.] You're an idiot. 

Judge 

[pinching John] 

Stand for it, John. You've got to stand for it. 

Tell him you love him like a brother . . . in-law. 

213 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

[controls himself] 
Well, I ... I — you have my consent, Doc- 
tor Hamilton, I'm sure. 

Ernest 

Your consent ! What's that got to do with it ? 
[They all turn toward Helen. Ernest steps be- 
tween them.] Now wait ! . . . This morning you 
tried bullying. Did it work ? This afternoon 
bluffing. Think that will work ? [Hand on Hel- 
en's shoulder.] You can't frighten her into mar- 
riage. I've tried that myself. We've got to ap- 
peal to some higher motive than self-interest or 
superstition with this woman, racial motives, 
unselfish motives. [With force.] But don't talk 
to me about her being "immoral." I won't 
stand for it. If you want her to marry, prove 
the morality of marriage. 

Theodore 
The "morality of marriage" ! What next ? 

Ernest 
[to Theodore] 
That's what I said — the morality of mar- 
riage ! This woman is not on trial before you. 
214 



"And So They Were Married" 

Marriage is on trial before her, and thus far 
I'm bound to say j^ou've not made out a good 
case for it. But simply justify her marrying me, 
and — I give you my word — you can perform 
the ceremony this very evening. No license is 
required in this State, you know. 

[This creates a sensation. 

Judge 

Now, what could be fairer than that! [To 
Helen.] Do you agree to this ? 

Helen 

[she nods] 
We agree in everything. 

Judge 
Both broad-minded ! 

Helen 

[quietly] 
I never said I did not believe in a legal wed- 
ding — [others surprised] for those who can 
afford the luxury of children. . . . But for those 
who have to take it out in working for other 
people's children all their lives — a ceremony 
215 



"And So They Were Married" 

seems like a subterfuge. Without children I 
don't see how any marriage is ever consum- 
mated — socially. 

Theodore 

Ah, but this relationship — it's a sacred 
thing in itself. 

Helen 
[sincerely] 

I know it. I want to do right, Theodore, 
please believe that I do! But the kind of mar- 
riage preached by the Church and practised by 
the world — does that cherish the real sacred- 
ness of this relationship .? Of course, I can only 
judge from appearances, but so often marriage 
seems to destroy the sacredness — yes, and also 
the usefulness — of this relationship! 

Ernest 
But, my dear girl 

Helen 

[smiles] 
He thinks so, too. Only he has a quaint, man- 
nish notion that he must "protect me." [To 
Ernest, patting his arm.] Haven't you, dear! 
[Again she has raised the shield of flippancy, 
2l6 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 
What did I tell you, Theodore ? The old mar- 
riage doesn't fit the New Woman. A self-sup- 
porting girl like Helen objects to obeying a 
mere man — like Ernest. 

Helen 

[patting the Judge's arm affectionately y too] 
Uncle Everett, you know nothing about it ! 
You think you understand the new generation. 
The only generation you understand is the one 
which clamored for "Woman's Rights." [To 
Ernest.] I obey you already — every day of 
my life, do I not, dear ? [Looking up into his 
face.] You're my "boss," aren't you, Ernest? 
[To Judge.] But I do object to contracting by 
law for what is better done by love. 

Judge 
[laughs fondly] 
But suppose the promise to obey were left 
out? 

Helen 

But the contract to love — [To Theodore.] 
that's so much worse, it seems to me. Obedience 
is a mere matter of will, is it not? But when 

a man promises to love until death 

217 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

Are you so cold, so scientific, so unsexed, that 
you cannot trust the man you love ? 

Helen 

Why, Theodore, if I didn't trust him I'd 
marry him ! Contracts are not for those who 
trust — they're for those who don't. 

Lucy 
[takes Helen apart] 
Now, I may be old-fashioned, Helen, but I'm 
a married woman, and I know men. You never 
can tell, my dear, you never can tell. 

Helen 

Do you think I'd live with a man who did not 
love me ? Do you think I'd live o« a man I did 
not love ? [Lucy blinks.] Why, what kind of a 
woman should I be then ! The name wife — 
would that change it ? Calling it holy — would 
that hallow it ? . . . Every woman, married or 
not, knows the truth about this! In her soul 
woman has always known. But until to-day 
has never dared to tell. 
218 



"And So TheyWere Married" 

Ernest 

[approaching Helen] 
Oh, come now — those vows — they aren't 
intended in a Hteral sense. Ask Theodore. 
Why, no sane person means half of that gib- 
gerish. "With all my worldly goods I thee en- 
dow" — millions of men have said it — how 
many ever did it ? How many clergymen ever 
expect them to! . . . It's all a polite fiction in 
beautiful, sonorous English. 

Helen 

The most sacred relationship in life ! Ernest, 
shall you and I enter it unadvisedly, lightly, 
and with lies on our Hps ? . . . Simply because 
others do.? 

Ernest 

[a little impatient] 
But the whole world stands for this. And the 
world won't stand for that. 

Helen 

Is that reverently, soberly, and in the fear 

of God ? No, cynically, selfishly, and in the fear 

of man. I don't want to be obstinate, I don't 

like to set myself up as "holier than thou," 

219 



"And So They Were Married" 

but, Ernest, unless we begin honestly, we'll end 
dishonestly. Somehow marriage seems wicked 
to me. 

Judge 
[nudging Theodore] 
How do you like that? 

Theodore 
John is right — they've gone mad. 

Ernest 

All the same, you've got to marry me — 
you've simply got to. 

Helen 

You are mistaken. I do not have to marry 
any one. I can support myself. 

Ernest 
Then I'm disappointed in you. 

Helen 
And I in you. 

Ernest 
I thought you were sensible. 
220 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
I thought you were honest. 

Ernest 
Honest ! You accuse me of dishonesty ? 

Helen 

You don't believe in "half of that gibberish." 
Yet you are willing to work the Church for our 
own worldly advantage ! You are willing to 
prostitute the most sacred thing in life! ... If 
that is not dishonest, what is ! 

Ernest 

And you are the woman I love and want to 
marry ! In all my life I was never accused of dis-. 
honesty before. 

Helen 

You never tried to marry before. No one is 
honest about marriage. 

Ernest 

I never shall try again. I'm going to Paris 
to-morrow and I'm going alone. 

Helen 
Then do it. Don't threaten it so often — do it. 

221 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 
I shall. And Fll never come back. 

Helen 
Nobody asked you to. 

Ernest 

Helen — for the last time — just for my 
sake — marry me. 

Helen 

For the last time — no ! no ! no ! ! I won't be 
a hypocrite even for your sake. 

[She turns away^ he starts off, then stops, 
rushes over to her. 

Ernest 
[holds out arms] 
I can't. You know it. Without you I'm 
nothing. 

Helen 

[taking both his hands] 
Without you. . . . Oh, my dear, my dear. 

Ernest 
Forgive me, forgive me. 

222 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen 
It was all my fault. 

Ernest 
No, I was a brute. I'm not worthy of you. 

Helen 

[covering his lips with her hand] 
Sssh — I can't stand it — I was perfectly hor- 
rid to you. And you were doing it all for my 
sake. [Laughing and crying.] You dear old 
thing — I knew it all the time. 

[They seem about to embrace. 

Judge 

[shaking with laughter] 
Was there ever in the world anything like 
it ! . . . Well, children, see here. He's willing 
to lie for your sake. She's willing to die for your 
sake. Now, why not just split the difference 
and have a civil ceremony for our sake. 

Theodore 

No, they will marry for a better reason. 
Think of the sin of it ! [To Helen.] Have you 
no sense of sin ? 

223 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

If not, think of the humor of it ! Have you no 
sense of humor ? 

Helen 

[still drying eyes and smiling to Judge] 
Not a scrap. Neither has Ernest. Have you, 
dear ? 

Ernest 

I hope not — judging from those who always 
say they have. 

Theodore 

{solemnly] 
Helen, look at Ernest — Ernest look at 
Helen. [The lovers do so.] Look into each other's 
very souls ! . . . You know, you must know, 
that in the eyes of God this thing would be a 
sin, a heinous sin. 

[The lovers gaze deep into each other s eyes in 
silence. 

Ernest 

[tremulous from the emotion he has just been 
through] 
The glory and the gladness I see in this 
woman's eyes a sin ? Her trust in me, my wor- 
ship of her, our new-found belief in a future life, 
224 



"And So They Were Married" 

our greater usefulness together in this — bah ! 
don't talk to me about sin ! Such women cannot 
sin — they love. 

John 

[tired out] 
Oh, you can talk all night, but this is a prac- 
tical world. How long could you keep your job 
in the institute ? Then how'll you live ! Private 
practice ? No respectable home will let you in- 
side the door, 

Ernest 

I've seen the inside of respectable homes. I 
want no more. [Taking from his pocket a piece 
of paper.] This morning I came to ask for your 
sister's hand in marriage. Your manners did not 
please me. So I cabled over to Metchnikoffl. 
[Hands cablegram to John.] His answer. Positions 
await us both at the Pasteur Institute in Paris. 
That luxurious suite on to-morrow's steamer 
still waits in my name. 

Theodore 
Ernest ! Stop ! Think ! This woman's soul is 
in your hands. 

[Ernest seems to hesitate. Helen crosses to 
him. Judge seizes John, whispers , and 
shoves him across. 
225 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 

Doctor Hamilton ! I apologize ! . . . You're 
a man of the world. You know what this means 
— she doesn't. She is in your power — for 
God's sake go to Paris without her. 

[John tries to lead Helen away from Er- 
nest. She shudders at John's masterful 
touch and clings to her lover. 

Ernest 

And leave her here in your power ? Never 
again ! You've forced her out of her work — you'd 
force her into legalized prostitution, if you 
could, like her innocent little sister. [Snatches 
Helen away from John.] No, married or not, 
she sails with me in the morning. That's final. 
[ The lovers turn away together. ■ 

Judge 
Where are you going ? 

Helen 
To ask Marie to pack my trunk. 

Ernest 
To telephone for a motor. 
226 



''And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

But you won't start until after the family 
party ? 

Ernest 
Of course not. 

[In a sudden silence Helen and Ernest 
walk into the houses leaving the family in 
despair. 

Judge 

[after a long sighy to John] 
I knew you'd bungle it, I knew it — but 
there's still a chance, just one more card to 
play. {The Butler comes out. 

Lucy 

Good heavens! Already ? 

Butler 

Mr. and Mrs. Willoughby, Doctor and Mrs. 
Grey, and the Misses Grey. 

Lucy 

[flurried] 
And we're not even dressed! 
227 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 

No matter. It's Sunday — many orthodox 
people . . . why, Mr. Baker won't even dine 
out on Sunday. 

[Enter the persons announced. Greetings. 
"How warm it is for September." . . . 
**And how's the baby, Margaret?" etc. 

John and Judge apart are planning ex- 
citedly. Jean and Rex come out, and 
finally Hele'n, followed by Ernest. 

Butler 
Dinner is served, ma'am. 

[The Second Man touches button. Japanese 
lanterns glow, silver shines, and all move 
toward the tables, a happy, united family. 

Lucy 

[going-to-dinner manner as she leads the way] 
We can hardly go out formally because we're 
already out, you know. Aunt Susan, will you sit 
over there on John's right ? Doctor Hamilton by 
me ? Rex on the other side? 

John 
Here, Helen. No, Jean, you are beside Rex, 
you know. 

228 



"And So They Were Married" 

Judge 
Until married, then you're separated. 

Lucy 

Cousin Charlie — that's it. [Jll take their 
places.] Most extraordinary weather for Sep- 
tember, isn't it ? 

Judge 

[he slaps his cheek] 
Isn't it? 

Lucy 
[shocked and hurt] 
That's the first mosquito I have ever known 
on our place. 

John 

[indignantly] 
We never have mosquitoes here. You must 
have been mistaken. 

[The servants are passing in and out of 
house with courses. The Butler nozv 
brings a telegram to Judge. 

Judge 
From Julia ! [ Tears it open eagerly y reads j and 
229 



"And So They Were Married" 

then shouts.] She's coming back to me, she's 
coming back ! Look at that, look at that ! 

[Jumps up and shows telegram to John. 
Then taking it around to Lucy he sings 
to tune of ^^ Merrily we roll along": 

Aunt JuHa is coming back 
Coming back — coming back 
Aunt Juha is coming back 
Coming back from Reno. 

Helen 

[laughing] 
From Reno ? That sounds Hke divorce, Uncle 
Everett. 

Judge 

Like divorce ? Does that sound hke divorce ? 
[Takes telegram from LucY and hands it to 
Helen.] Read it aloud. 

Helen 

[reading] 
" Dear boy, I can't stand it, either. Come to 
me or I go to you." 

Judge 

[sings during the reading] 
Coming back from Reno. [Breaks off — to 
230 



"And So They Were Married" 

Helen.] So you thought we wanted a divorce, 
did you ? 

Helen 

I never dreamed of such a thing. 

Judge 

[looks at her a moment, then in a burst] 
Well, / did. The dream of my life — your 
Aunt Julia's, too. We thought we beHeved in 
trial marriage, but we don't — we believe in 
trial separation ! 

Theodore 

[uncomfortably] 
They thought they didn't love each other, 
but they do, you see. 

Judge 

We don't, we don't, but we can't get along 
without each other . . . got the habit of 
having each other around and can't break it. 
. . . This morning I telegraphed: "Are you 
doing this just for my sake?" She replied, 
"Tutti-frutti." [Sings.] Aunt Julia's coming 
back. Oh, I'm too happy to eat. [Sin^ingy while 
others eat and drink: 



"And So They Were Married" 

Coming back, coming back, 
Aunt Julia is coming back 
Coming back from Reno. 

And I don't care who knows it. The more the 
better for marriage. The truth — give- me more 
truth, give me more — champagne. [Butler 
fills glass as Judge raises it.] Here's to your 
Aunt Julia, the best wife — I ever had. [All rise, 
drinky laughy and sit down.] And I'll never, never 
get another. . . . You know I thought maybe I 
might. Oh, Everett, Everett, you sly dog, you 
old idiot you ! 

John 

{arises^ clearing throaty tapping on glasses for 
silence] 
And now, speaking of divorce, I have an en- 
gagement to announce. {Some laughter but all 
quiet down. He smiles at Jean.] Of course, you 
can't guess whose. Friends, it is my privilege to 
announce the engagement of my good friend 
Rex Baker to my dear sister Jean. [Gentle ap- 
plause and congratulations. Music begins.] And 
so I will now ask all to arise and drink to the 
health and prosperity of my little sister and my 
brother-in-law to be ! And my best wish is that 
232 



"And So They Were Married** 

they will be as happy as my better half and me. 
[^// cheer and drink health standing.] Speech, 
Rex! 

{Some of them playfully try to put him on his 
feet. 

Rex 

[shaking his head and maintaining his seat] 
I can't make a speech. I'm too happy for 
words — See-what-I-mean ? 

Helen 

{in a low, significant tone] 
Jean, aren't you going to say something ? 

Jean 

[arises, all silent, she looks at Lucy, Rex, John] 
Words cannot describe my happiness, either. 
[She resumes her seat, and all gather round 
to congratulate Jean and Rex. 

John 

[rapping for quiet] 
One moment, one moment. Another toast, an- 
other toast! [Others quiet down.] We have with 
us to-night one who, in honoring whom we 

233 



"And So They Were Married" 

honor ourselves, one who with capital back of 
him would soon become the greatest scientist 
in America ! []vdge leads applause," hea.r,hGa.r\'' 
etc. John raises glass.] To the distinguished guest 
whom I am proud to welcome to my humble 
board, to the noble humanitarian whom Mr. 
Baker delights to honor, to the good friend 
whom we all admire and trust. Doctor Ernest 
Hamilton ! 

[All applaud a7id about to drink healthy 
Judge jumps up. 

Judge 

And to his fair collaborator ! the brave woman 
who at this modern warrior's side daily risks 
her life for others, handling death and disease 
in those mighty but unsung battles for the com- 
mon weal! [Applause.] A New Woman? No, 
friends, look behind the stupid names the mob 
would cast, like stones to destroy, look and 
you will see your true conservative — willing 
to appear radical in order to conserve woman's 
work in the world ! wilHng to appear ridiculous 
to right ancient wrongs ! willing even to appear 
wrong — for those she loves ! Ah, the same old- 
fashioned woman we all adore, in a form so 
jjew we blindly fail to understand her glorious 

^34 



"And So They Were Married" 

advent before our very eyes ! To Helen, the gra- 
cious embodiment of all that is sweetest, no- 
blest, and best in womanhood — to Helen ! Our 
lovely Helen ! 

John 

[up again at once] 
■ Family approval, social esteem, and an hon- 
ored career — all this is theirs for the asking ! 
To-day to me they have confessed their love 
— to-night to you I now announce . . . their 
engagement ! Long life and happiness to Helen 
and Ernest ! 

[Great enthusiasm — even pounding on the 
table. Ernest arises, looking surprised. 
John signalling to rest of family to join in. 

The Family 
[glasses raised, drowning out Ernest] 
Long life and happiness, long hfe and hap- 
piness ! 

Ernest 

[raises hand] 
Wait! Before you drink this toast. . . , [The 
glasses stop midway. Sudden silence.] Your con- 
gratulations we appreciate, your kind wishes 

235 



"And So They Were Married" 

we desire — but not on false pretences. We 
are not engaged to be married. 

[In the tense silence a shudder ripples the 
family joy. 

Rex 
[apart to Jean] 
Gee ! They had a scrap, too ? 

John 

[upy nervously. Ernest still standing] 
If I may interrupt. . , . He has financial 
reasons — I respect him for it. But this very 
day the Baker Institute in recognition of Doc- 
tor Hamilton's distinguished services to hu- 
manity has doubled his salary — doubled it ! 
It's all right now — it's all right. 

Rex 

[apart to Jean] 

Four thousand, eh ? . . . get a very decent/ 
touring car for that. 

Ernest 

[to all] 
That is very kind, but that is not the point. 
True, our mutual needs are such that we can- 
236 



"And So They Were Married" 

not live nor work apart, but our convictions 
are such that we cannot Hve and work together 

— in what you have the humor to call "holy 
wedlock." Now, Helen, the motor is waiting. 

[Sensation. Gasps of amazement and horror. 
Some jump up from table. A chair is up- 
set. Ernest holds Helen's wrap. General 
movement and murmurs. 

John 

jarring way\ 
You leave this house only over my dead body. 

\Others gather around lovers. 

Judge 

\to all] 
Stand back ! . . . Let him among you who 
has a purer ideal of love, a higher conception of 
duty cast the first stone. [Jll stop. Silenced. 

Theodore 

But this man and this woman would destroy 
marriage ! 

Judge 
[standing beside lovers] 
No ! Such as they will not destroy marriage 

— they will save it ! They restore the vital sub- 

237 



*'And So They Were Married" 

stance while we preserve the empty shell. 
Everything they have said, everything they 
have done, proves it. The promise to love — 
they could not help it — they took it — I heard 
them. The instinct for secrecy — they felt it — 
we all do — but straightway they told the next 
of kin. [Points to John.] Even when insulted and 
driven forth from the tribe, they indignantly 
refused to be driven into each other's arms until 
you of the same blood could hear them plight 
their troth ! BeHeve in marriage ? Whj^, there 
never was, there never will be a more perfect 
tribute to true marriage than from this fearless 
pair you now accuse of seeking to destroy it ! 
[John tries to interrupt, but the Judge waves him 
down.] They have been not only honorable but 
old-fashioned, save in the one orthodox detail 
of accepting the authority constituted by so- 
ciety for its protection and for theirs. [To Helen 
and Ernest.] But now, I'm sure, before starting 
on their wedding journey — another old-fash- 
ioned convention they believe in — that, just 
to please us if not themselves, they will consent 
to be united in the bonds of holy wedlock by 
Cousin Theodore who stands ready and waiting 
with prayer-book in hand. 

[Family subsides. Everybody happy. Theo- 
dore steps up, opens prayer-book. 
238 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together 
here in the sight of God -" 

Helen 

{suddenly loud and clear] 
Theodore ! are you going to marry Rex and 
Jean ? 

John 

[impatiently] 

Of course, of course, Mr. Baker's chaplain. 

Ernest 

[recoiling\ 
Theodore ! You ! Are you going to stand up 
and tell the world that God has joined those 
two together — God ? 

[Theodore looks at John but does not deny 
it and says 7iothing. 

Helen 

Then you will be blaspheming love — and 
God who made it. No, you shall not marry us. 

Ernest 

[agreeing with Helen] 

Some things are too sacred to be profaned. 

239 



"And So They Were Married" 

Theodore 

[overwhelmed] 
Profaned ? ... By the Church ? 

John 

Your love too sacred for the Church ? The 
Church has a name for such love ! The world a 
name for such women ! 

Ernest 

[about to strike John, then shrugs] 
A rotten world ! A kept Church! Come, let's 
get away from it all ! Come ! 

[Helen offers her hand in farewell to Lucy, 
but John shields her from Helen's touchy 
then to Jean. Rex shields Jean from 
contamination^ but Jean weeps. 

Judge 

[barring the way. To Ernest] 
Stop ! You cannot ! The very tie that binds 
you to this woman binds you to us and to the 
whole world with hooks of steel ! [The lovers are 
still goingy Judge ascends stepSy facing them.] For 
the last time ! before too late ! Ernest ! You 
know that in the eyes of God you are taking 
this woman to be your wife. 
240 



"And So They Were Married" 

Ernest 

In the eyes of God, I do take Helen to be my 
wife — but 

Judge 
You, Helen ! Speak, woman, speak ! 

Helen 

I take Ernest to be my husband In the eyes 
of God, but 

Judge 

[raises his hand augustly and in a voice oj 
authority] 
Then, since you, Ernest, and you, Helen, 
have made this solemn declaration before God 
and in the presence of witnesses, I, by the 
authority vested in me by the laws of this 
State do now pronounce you man and wife ! 
[Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton look at each other 
bewildered. Meanwhile the silence has 
been pierced, first by a little hysterical 
scream from Jean, then the others all wake 
up and crowd about the happy pair, con- 
gratulating them. The women who had 
snubbed Helen before cover her with 
kisses, for now she is fit for their embraces. 
241 



"And So They Were Married" 

John 
[to Theodore] 
Saved ! Saved ! Respectable at last, thank 
God. [Raising his glass and hammering for at- 
tention.] Here's to the bride and groom. 

[All cheery raise glasses, and drink. 

Ernest 

[when the noise dies down. As the others kiss 

Helen] 

A moment ago you were a bad woman. Now 
[to all] behold ! she is a good woman. Marriage 
is wonderful. 

[John and Lucy run to Judge and shake 
hands. 

Judge 

[to John and Lucy, his wife] 
Yes, Respectability has triumphed this time, 
but let Society take warning and beware ! be- 
ware ! beware ! 

Curtain 



242 



